It Was Supposed to Be Sexy

Because it's our 9th wedding anniversary and what better gift than sharing an embarrassing story with all of you. You'll have to excuse me as I bare my soul among other things today.

 A few years ago I thought it would be fun to take some "risqué" photos for my dear husband. I got myself all prettied up, put on some fancy ridiculously expensive underwear, and set up our computer to take what I hoped would be sexy yet tasteful very sexy pics. I mean if George Costanza could do it, surely I could give it the old college try.

 There I was in all my glory looking forward to surprising him and when the moment came (drum roll please) he looked at me like I was nuts and lectured me on the fact anyone could now have access to these pictures. This was rather anticlimactic in many ways as you can imagine. I mean he really seemed concerned that some cyber stalker had been waiting for this moment when amongst our boring old vacation photos of fully dressed people, my naked behind would suddenly appear. Given his reaction in all honesty I was hoping that was the case so at least someone would appreciate the effort.

 We looked at each other and while I thought I had married a total jack ass, he thought he'd married a clueless tart. We were both right to be fair.

 I never again attempted such a fiasco and promptly forgot about blocked out the entire experience... Until one evening when we had a couple friends over for our Friday night game night. We were sitting around listening to music chatting away when suddenly our two male companions leaned forward jaws dropped and said "whoa!" while eyeing the computer screen. I leaned forward to see what was so exciting and there I was. Our computer had gone to screen saver and was cycling through our photo albums and the pictures I had all but forgotten were flashing upon the screen. And let me tell you this, as embarrassing as said moment was, I still looked fabulous.

 Doug of course was shaking his head I think secretly relishing the fact he was indeed correct and naked pictures really do come back to bite you in the proverbial naked behind. And I was thinking of every single celebrity who has been caught in this same situation and wondering if flat out denying it was me would in fact work. It turns out no, that tactic in fact does not work.

 So let my embarrassing moment be a lesson to you all. That said I've been sitting here for five minutes now trying to pin point what exactly the lesson is... I suppose it's that if you're at all an exhibitionist floozy make sure you marry a like minded individual.

So Happy Anniversary my dear husband. I love you like crazy and I still firmly believe that when we're 90, you are going to be appreciating those pictures a heck of a lot more.

 J xx

Where To Begin...

                                       

 
                I've been thinking about where to begin in sharing about our new home and projects and future ideas and it occurred to me I should begin where all things begin, inspiration. I started making an inspiration board a few years ago and it used to sit on the back of our bedroom door so I'd see it before I closed my eyes and first thing in the morning. I found it became impossible to not wake up inspired by the images I had there. My pictures tended to vary and focus on a wide array of goals. One was a picture of an organized closet, one was a quote on entertaining to prompt me to socialize more. I had a picture of Jennifer Aniston doing yoga, and a picture of Angelina Jolie speaking out. I'm sure the occasional guest saw this collage and thought I was some freaky stalker of Brad Pitt's love life. Actually I even had a pic of Gwenyth Pawltrow in this gorgeous Tom Ford gown. Maybe Brad Pitt and I do share the same taste in women. None the less, it inspired me in some way and I found whatever the image was at some point I'd feel I had accomplished the goal and would add on a new image. I'm very visual so this worked beautifully for me.

So I thought I'd share my new inspiration board that is currently in the guest room/ what I call "the Jane Austen reading room" because I'm pretentious like that. It was a cute framed bulletin board I picked up at a yard sale for $7. It currently is filled with ideas for organizing, fashion, the guest room, and family. I always like to have a picture up of a happy couple or family because it makes me happy and reminds me of what's important.

I've also included a few gorgeous boards that rather put mine to shame but offer great ideas if you're in the mood for your own inspiration!!

Love, J xx

Images from
http://ledansla.blogspot.ca
http://ifferslittlenest.blogspot.ca/2009/04/message-inspiration-chalk-bulletin-and.html
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rebeccasower/3751620035/in/photostream/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/54015225@N08/8267450754/

Moving On

It's been a while and frankly it's been a lot. If you are wondering why I've fallen  off the blogging hemisphere it's because I just haven't had the energy. Adjusting to motherhood this past year and half has been an amazing and exhausting ride. Plus four months ago we moved across the country and that has been major. I want to say we're all settled in but we still have some things to do. Plus we just don't feel settled on the inside.

On the bright side we love Toronto. It's a fabulous city (current politics aside) and the people are lovely. We love our house and that has been a real blessing. We have friends and family near by which has made the move a lot easier... Still though. It's hard. It can be really lonely. We miss our friends and family a lot. It's like a big wonderful adventure but you don't get to share it with your loved ones which makes it very bitter sweet. Some days we have a blast and other days we struggle. It's a roller coaster but I've been told it will take a year to really feel comfortable.

With that said I should give a huge thank you to those of you who've done a great job at making us feel welcome here! Believe me it helps. It helps tremendously and your efforts are so deeply appreciated. And to those in Vancouver we miss you. We love you and miss you tons. This is my big virtual hug to you all.

Now back to this pesky blogging business. Since being home with Oz I've been trying to figure out what to write about. I do still have a couple infertility blog ideas in my back pocket (and a huge thank you to the few commenters I've had on old posts of mine this year! Knowing my posts on infertility help alleviate your loneliness a little or help your family understand warms me in ways I can't even express. It is HUGE for me to read. It is everything to me in terms of opening up about my own struggles so thank you from the bottom of my heart!!) However, I don't plan to put too much focus on infertility and adoption but more on pretty things and organizing. One of my favourite things to do is organize and moving has been a wonderful challenge in figuring out new systems. So my blog will become a little more light and frivolous and I do hope all of you will continue to enjoy it.

I have been so thankful to my readership and to the amazing support I've received through this blog. I hope to see much more of you!!

Lots of love, J xx

What I learned this year...

1. Life is a gift and we're all on borrowed time. Chose wisely how you spend that time. you will one day be just a memory, chose the memory you wish to be for others.

 2. We are blessed. More blessed than we can imagine. We did not earn our wealth we were born into it. It's important to share it, because it is not really ours any ways. The earth has shared with us.

 3. We do not choose our circumstances but we choose how we behave within them. I have been very blessed these past few years because while they have been the hardest, I have miraculously gained many more friends and family along the way. I consider that one of my greatest accomplishments.

 4.Sometimes lighting a candle really can change your whole world. One tiny flame can light up your life.

 5. We have unlimited love and kindness within us but limited energy in our life. Hold the world in your heart and do what you can to give back, but be wise with what you spend your energy on. It's ok to let go, you can still love from afar.

 6. Embrace what you have and who you are. It's the only way to be at peace.

 7. Even if you are merely grateful for a cup of coffee or an easy comute that morning remember to sit with that gratitude. Gratitude can change your attitude.

 8. We are all the same in the world. My son is just like any other canadian little toddler but kids look different in the news or on tv programs. Somehow they seem so far away. All kids are the same and deserve our commitment to helping them, and the planet they will inherit.

 9. Laughter really is the best medicine. Really. I promise.

 10. It's more important how you build yourself back up, than how you fall apart.


 I have been very lucky this year, and in many ways I feel like a different person. Africa changed me in ways that are not quite describable but that has made me view life in North America through very different eyes. Sometimes eyes of gratitude and sometimes tears of frustration. It's been ife changing. My son has given me a great deal of perspective. At this time of year it has been a challenge to see the extreme wealth in contrast to the orphanages with babies wrapped in soiled t-shirts because they have no diapers. Children desperate for a family. Children just like our children, our nieces, nephews, grandchildren. When we realize that, it is almost impossible not to change how we go into the holiday season. The season of giving needs to be with us all year and needs to extend beyond our four walls. I have been lucky indeed for all my experiences, some that broke me down, but ultimately left me a better person. I hope. Thank you for everyone who was part of our journey, part of our year.

We are very very grateful. J xx 

image form http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=candles&view=detail&id=19EF62F89D392DA1DA9B1FD5BA817F7AD666AF3F

Those Who Fought, Those Who Worked & Those Who Prayed.

I have been home now for three weeks and not a day has gone by when I haven't felt extreme gratitude for those who fought, those who worked, and those who prayed for us during our journey. I've always had a natural affinity for the fleur de lis (I'm a french girl through and through) and love that it represents those three elements. So to all of you who were part of this process, I thank you. I thank you from a place so deep in my heart, and I hope somehow my gratitude reaches you.

 I am one of the lucky ones. I am finished this process and in my arms is the most precious little boy who brightens up our world at every turn. I have spent the last few months being a mom and that has been an immense gift. One I don't take lightly, and a responsibility I hold quite dear.

 I feel it only fair though as I ramble about my good fortune and happiness to share a secret with you. I've always been lucky. I've always been fortunate. The one thing I have always had is an abundance of love in my life. Without which it would have been unbearable. While at times it of course felt that way, I have ruminated often about the incredible support I've received. I have e-mails from people I haven't seen since High School sharing support. People across this country I've never met but who are also adopting. People who are in no way connected to me but who stumbled across my blog through decorating sites and sent me a note here and there. I feel as though this process and the love sent our way has let me see the best parts of the human spirit which was especially poignant after witnessing some of the worst. I am blessed.

 I thank you, Doug thanks you, and Ozington thanks you. Because of all of you we three found each other. Because of so much outcry, and outreach, our adoption was completed. We can not thank you enough but we will continue to try.

 I must go now as my tiny spark will be waking soon. Please know that every time I look at him I remember. I remember those who fought, those who worked, and those who prayed. He is the happiest little boy you could ever hope to meet and I wish you all to know your efforts will never ever be forgotten. He will always be a reminder of great love, and great hope.

 Much Love, Jessa, Doug & Ozington xxxxxxxx

Poverty Of the Soul

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

~ Mother Teresa ~

I was not certain how I would feel in Ethiopia. How would it be to see so much poverty coming from a country of such ostentatious wealth? Would the weight of such massive disparity feel overwhelming? Would the helplessness leave me feeling paralyzed?

The truth is I felt all those things. Useless, angry, and at times dispair. We are a spoiled nation. We are spoiled individuals. The distance in wealth and the overwhelming awareness of my own sense of entitlement was polarizing. However, what left the largest impact on me was not that our 756 sq foot condo here is a large home there. Or even that I can go to the tap and pour myself a beautiful glass of clean water, something that I have not been able to stop relishing in since. The biggest residual impact has been that as a collective the people in Ethiopia are among the happiest I have ever had the fortune to meet. They are gracious, humble, polite, and smiling. They have something that as a nation we do not.

If you do not work you do not eat. They are happy to be employed. They are grateful to be working, It is such a difference in mentality as I myself have had many days when going to work felt like a huge burden. Not that I've ever had a job so horrid, my entire attitude was one of wanting without effort. In fact it is an attitude that makes it harder to not only enjoy my day, but doesn't enrich anyone else's day either. It is an attitude I dare say we have all shared in for much longer than we'd care to admit.

The orphanage had a kitchen not much larger than my own tiny one where they cook for 58 children. When we met the amazing women who do this 3 times a day they were laughing and smiling and very humble when I told them how incredible it is what they do. They didn't even seem to realize the extraordinary nature of this accomplishment. They work harder there than anyone I know and with seemingly little effort in making it fun. The inspiration there was in every corner and crevice.

It is not how much we do,
but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give,
but how much love we put in the giving.

~ Mother Teresa ~

The love put into the actions was magical. The love put into the children was something you could see the children flourish with. There is love in abundance in that country. One of the employees who drove us to the southern region had a ringer on his phone I will never forget. Every time it rang a booming voice came on saying " You are blessed. You are blessed in your family. You are blessed in your work. You are blessed in your finances. You are blessed in your relationships." After spending 12 hours listening to this every 1/2 hour or so it was impossible not to feel lighter, refreshed, grateful.

While on this drive we were accompanied by nurses carrying for two eight month old babies. One was paralyzed from the waist down, and had fluid in his brain. He was suffering horrible headaches as his head grew. The other a little girl no larger than a new born. It was shocking to see and I knew the nurses and our guide were very understanding of the pain that kept crawling across our face as we looked a these precious children. We were obviously not used to seeing such suffering especially in such circumstances. While I held the tiny girl who felt lighter than a kitten I could not imagine doing a job such as this. How much emotional strength it would require. They do it though with love and kindness. They give this so freely it seems effortless. Like the earth gives freely to us, they give freely to each other and that is a lesson in being human I will forever be thankful for.

Upon arriving home I am once again caught up in my own first world issues as is human nature. While certain things in me have changed, I work harder to not waste food. I love water even more than I did, and I am challenged to give of myself more. Old habits still remain, but ultimately I think little parts of myself have been changed, and other parts have tasted the inspiration that leads to change.

Ethiopia did not just give me a beautiful son, it gave me perspective, happiness, and a desire to enrich my soul that I have somewhat neglected along this journey. For that I offer my deepest gratitude.

Where there is great love,
there are always great miracles.

~ Mother Teresa ~

Jessa xx

My Yoga Mat, Sophie Kinsella, and a Plane Ticket.

I'm not sure how other woman prepare for motherhood but my last few weeks have been spent in the cookie isle of the grocery store, contemplating whether the gold or copper eye shadow pallet would be more flattering and then buying both, watching a lot of The Barefoot Contessa, and of course saying goodbye to my shoes. All in all I've learned that when it comes to big life changes I enjoy sugar and the frivolous. Although come to think of it that tends to be my life for the most part only slightly less amplified.

Aside from major sugar consumption I've done a ton of yoga and pilates which has helped my stress levels and my abs look pretty awesome. The fact coughing, breathing, eating, hurts is an unfortunate side affect however. I have about a million questions but I've yet to have the nerve to seriously ask someone if I can get Elle Decor and Vogue in Addis. I mean how do you ask that without sounding like an ass? Now to give myself some credit I am going for an indeterminate amount of time. Thinking about being there by myself for months has me a bit nervous. I'm sure once I'm there I'll be relaxed and at ease with my little man but for now I'm having a hard time parting with my clothing, magazines, kitchen aid mixer, washing machine, cats, and husband. Not in that particular order.

Our journey has been a little out of the norm and watching my son grow up through pictures from 2 months old to 1 year has made him seem less than real. I have all these pictures of him but I don't quite believe this is happening. I think at some point believing becomes hard and is replaced by doubt. I am thrilled I get to see his chubby little arms and big brown eyes soon but it is so surreal.

So today is my last day in Canada for a while! I have my yoga mat packed, Sophie Kinsella's new book, Noam Chomsky's new book, and a ridiculous amount of sweater vests for a one year old. I'm feeling nauseous and excited, but I think I have everything ready. Oh my heavens this is actually happening. The cumulation of 7.5 years of dreaming. Thank you everyone for all your support and hard work these last few years in helping us realize the sweetest of dreams. A few years ago I wrote a poem for my future baby and right now the last verse seems particularly poignant.

I have carried you in my heart for years.
You were conceived in the most extraordinary of dreams.
Your father and I have held your eyes, hands and soul for many moons.
We are bound by love.


Jessa xx

2011, The Bright Spots

As this year comes to a close I feel it important to reflect on my favourite things and moments. This year has been the most challenging of my life. Going on without Tim and an adoption that has proved to be even more painful than I ever would have imagined has not been easy. However in the middle of some of my darkest moments I have been so blessed to encounter some beautiful ones.

Obviously Oz has been a blessing. As time goes on he is still a magical blessing and while Christmas was painful without him I am looking forward to the day we are finally all together. I searched high and low for a baby's first Christmas ornament and apparently this year not a lot of companies made them. The one above I got from Wedgewood China and I am very pleased with it. Buying a new ornament each year is a family tradition and while he is not yet home it was important for me to do that.

I also discovered Yogalosophy this year and love it!!! Mandy's workout is my favourite and throwing the yoga mat down and doing Yoga with her in the morning is a highlight of my day. I've been negligent but I'm determined to get back to doing it every other day again. It's a very uplifting energizing workout, and she does it on the beach which makes it very peaceful and sunny.

One of my favourite things this year has been my friends. I have been horrific at making plans with people but amazingly people have continued to make an effort to see me and I am so thankful for them. I have amazing friends for someone who is a major loner. I also am proud of myself for being able to support the people in my life who needed it this year including myself. My scope of people has been limited but I was determined to finish this year feeling I'd done a good job with those I love most and who are struggling with a painful year of firsts. I think I've done well with that, I think Tim would be proud of me, and I'm proud of me.

I have really worked at setting boundaries as well as making sure I have me time to empty my mind. Usually that is a bath at night. I'm in and out fast because I am not great at sitting still. I have really tried to make bath time more like spa time. I light candles, I use bubble bath, I lie back and breathe. I find having that at the end of each day has been invaluable.

Speaking of candles Anthropoligie is now in Vancouver!! One of my faovurite things from that store is the angel food cake candle. It smells just like the cake and is divine.

I've talked on here before about my love of baking and this year my in laws bought us a pink kitchen aid mixer!!!! It is amazing!!! I have been doing all my baking by hands for years so to have something this kick ass is awesome! Cookies are made in 5 minutes. Cakes take 10. I love it!!

One thing I've let go has been my wardrobe. I know this likely sounds very superficial but I've always been fairly well dressed and while I have gorgeous dresses in excess my casual wear has been non-existent. Doug and I went clothing shopping boxing week and that was wonderful. I love Ralph Lauren for simple and classic clothing, but more importantly I love Winners for selling it to me cheap.

Finally my last two favourite things. One was during our trip to New York. We rented rowboats in Cantral Park (the picture above is me in the boat) and I felt so at peace and content. It was the perfect date activity.

Finally is a gift from a very special girlfriend of mine. Haley wrote a song for me about our adoption. Not only do I absolutely love it, the idea anyone would write a song about me is amazing. It's beautiful much like the singer and songwriter behind it.



So this New years I will raise my glass to surviving 2011, and to 2012 being full of love and light.

J xx