What I learned this year...

1. Life is a gift and we're all on borrowed time. Chose wisely how you spend that time. you will one day be just a memory, chose the memory you wish to be for others.

 2. We are blessed. More blessed than we can imagine. We did not earn our wealth we were born into it. It's important to share it, because it is not really ours any ways. The earth has shared with us.

 3. We do not choose our circumstances but we choose how we behave within them. I have been very blessed these past few years because while they have been the hardest, I have miraculously gained many more friends and family along the way. I consider that one of my greatest accomplishments.

 4.Sometimes lighting a candle really can change your whole world. One tiny flame can light up your life.

 5. We have unlimited love and kindness within us but limited energy in our life. Hold the world in your heart and do what you can to give back, but be wise with what you spend your energy on. It's ok to let go, you can still love from afar.

 6. Embrace what you have and who you are. It's the only way to be at peace.

 7. Even if you are merely grateful for a cup of coffee or an easy comute that morning remember to sit with that gratitude. Gratitude can change your attitude.

 8. We are all the same in the world. My son is just like any other canadian little toddler but kids look different in the news or on tv programs. Somehow they seem so far away. All kids are the same and deserve our commitment to helping them, and the planet they will inherit.

 9. Laughter really is the best medicine. Really. I promise.

 10. It's more important how you build yourself back up, than how you fall apart.


 I have been very lucky this year, and in many ways I feel like a different person. Africa changed me in ways that are not quite describable but that has made me view life in North America through very different eyes. Sometimes eyes of gratitude and sometimes tears of frustration. It's been ife changing. My son has given me a great deal of perspective. At this time of year it has been a challenge to see the extreme wealth in contrast to the orphanages with babies wrapped in soiled t-shirts because they have no diapers. Children desperate for a family. Children just like our children, our nieces, nephews, grandchildren. When we realize that, it is almost impossible not to change how we go into the holiday season. The season of giving needs to be with us all year and needs to extend beyond our four walls. I have been lucky indeed for all my experiences, some that broke me down, but ultimately left me a better person. I hope. Thank you for everyone who was part of our journey, part of our year.

We are very very grateful. J xx 

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Those Who Fought, Those Who Worked & Those Who Prayed.

I have been home now for three weeks and not a day has gone by when I haven't felt extreme gratitude for those who fought, those who worked, and those who prayed for us during our journey. I've always had a natural affinity for the fleur de lis (I'm a french girl through and through) and love that it represents those three elements. So to all of you who were part of this process, I thank you. I thank you from a place so deep in my heart, and I hope somehow my gratitude reaches you.

 I am one of the lucky ones. I am finished this process and in my arms is the most precious little boy who brightens up our world at every turn. I have spent the last few months being a mom and that has been an immense gift. One I don't take lightly, and a responsibility I hold quite dear.

 I feel it only fair though as I ramble about my good fortune and happiness to share a secret with you. I've always been lucky. I've always been fortunate. The one thing I have always had is an abundance of love in my life. Without which it would have been unbearable. While at times it of course felt that way, I have ruminated often about the incredible support I've received. I have e-mails from people I haven't seen since High School sharing support. People across this country I've never met but who are also adopting. People who are in no way connected to me but who stumbled across my blog through decorating sites and sent me a note here and there. I feel as though this process and the love sent our way has let me see the best parts of the human spirit which was especially poignant after witnessing some of the worst. I am blessed.

 I thank you, Doug thanks you, and Ozington thanks you. Because of all of you we three found each other. Because of so much outcry, and outreach, our adoption was completed. We can not thank you enough but we will continue to try.

 I must go now as my tiny spark will be waking soon. Please know that every time I look at him I remember. I remember those who fought, those who worked, and those who prayed. He is the happiest little boy you could ever hope to meet and I wish you all to know your efforts will never ever be forgotten. He will always be a reminder of great love, and great hope.

 Much Love, Jessa, Doug & Ozington xxxxxxxx

Poverty Of the Soul

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

~ Mother Teresa ~

I was not certain how I would feel in Ethiopia. How would it be to see so much poverty coming from a country of such ostentatious wealth? Would the weight of such massive disparity feel overwhelming? Would the helplessness leave me feeling paralyzed?

The truth is I felt all those things. Useless, angry, and at times dispair. We are a spoiled nation. We are spoiled individuals. The distance in wealth and the overwhelming awareness of my own sense of entitlement was polarizing. However, what left the largest impact on me was not that our 756 sq foot condo here is a large home there. Or even that I can go to the tap and pour myself a beautiful glass of clean water, something that I have not been able to stop relishing in since. The biggest residual impact has been that as a collective the people in Ethiopia are among the happiest I have ever had the fortune to meet. They are gracious, humble, polite, and smiling. They have something that as a nation we do not.

If you do not work you do not eat. They are happy to be employed. They are grateful to be working, It is such a difference in mentality as I myself have had many days when going to work felt like a huge burden. Not that I've ever had a job so horrid, my entire attitude was one of wanting without effort. In fact it is an attitude that makes it harder to not only enjoy my day, but doesn't enrich anyone else's day either. It is an attitude I dare say we have all shared in for much longer than we'd care to admit.

The orphanage had a kitchen not much larger than my own tiny one where they cook for 58 children. When we met the amazing women who do this 3 times a day they were laughing and smiling and very humble when I told them how incredible it is what they do. They didn't even seem to realize the extraordinary nature of this accomplishment. They work harder there than anyone I know and with seemingly little effort in making it fun. The inspiration there was in every corner and crevice.

It is not how much we do,
but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give,
but how much love we put in the giving.

~ Mother Teresa ~

The love put into the actions was magical. The love put into the children was something you could see the children flourish with. There is love in abundance in that country. One of the employees who drove us to the southern region had a ringer on his phone I will never forget. Every time it rang a booming voice came on saying " You are blessed. You are blessed in your family. You are blessed in your work. You are blessed in your finances. You are blessed in your relationships." After spending 12 hours listening to this every 1/2 hour or so it was impossible not to feel lighter, refreshed, grateful.

While on this drive we were accompanied by nurses carrying for two eight month old babies. One was paralyzed from the waist down, and had fluid in his brain. He was suffering horrible headaches as his head grew. The other a little girl no larger than a new born. It was shocking to see and I knew the nurses and our guide were very understanding of the pain that kept crawling across our face as we looked a these precious children. We were obviously not used to seeing such suffering especially in such circumstances. While I held the tiny girl who felt lighter than a kitten I could not imagine doing a job such as this. How much emotional strength it would require. They do it though with love and kindness. They give this so freely it seems effortless. Like the earth gives freely to us, they give freely to each other and that is a lesson in being human I will forever be thankful for.

Upon arriving home I am once again caught up in my own first world issues as is human nature. While certain things in me have changed, I work harder to not waste food. I love water even more than I did, and I am challenged to give of myself more. Old habits still remain, but ultimately I think little parts of myself have been changed, and other parts have tasted the inspiration that leads to change.

Ethiopia did not just give me a beautiful son, it gave me perspective, happiness, and a desire to enrich my soul that I have somewhat neglected along this journey. For that I offer my deepest gratitude.

Where there is great love,
there are always great miracles.

~ Mother Teresa ~

Jessa xx

My Yoga Mat, Sophie Kinsella, and a Plane Ticket.

I'm not sure how other woman prepare for motherhood but my last few weeks have been spent in the cookie isle of the grocery store, contemplating whether the gold or copper eye shadow pallet would be more flattering and then buying both, watching a lot of The Barefoot Contessa, and of course saying goodbye to my shoes. All in all I've learned that when it comes to big life changes I enjoy sugar and the frivolous. Although come to think of it that tends to be my life for the most part only slightly less amplified.

Aside from major sugar consumption I've done a ton of yoga and pilates which has helped my stress levels and my abs look pretty awesome. The fact coughing, breathing, eating, hurts is an unfortunate side affect however. I have about a million questions but I've yet to have the nerve to seriously ask someone if I can get Elle Decor and Vogue in Addis. I mean how do you ask that without sounding like an ass? Now to give myself some credit I am going for an indeterminate amount of time. Thinking about being there by myself for months has me a bit nervous. I'm sure once I'm there I'll be relaxed and at ease with my little man but for now I'm having a hard time parting with my clothing, magazines, kitchen aid mixer, washing machine, cats, and husband. Not in that particular order.

Our journey has been a little out of the norm and watching my son grow up through pictures from 2 months old to 1 year has made him seem less than real. I have all these pictures of him but I don't quite believe this is happening. I think at some point believing becomes hard and is replaced by doubt. I am thrilled I get to see his chubby little arms and big brown eyes soon but it is so surreal.

So today is my last day in Canada for a while! I have my yoga mat packed, Sophie Kinsella's new book, Noam Chomsky's new book, and a ridiculous amount of sweater vests for a one year old. I'm feeling nauseous and excited, but I think I have everything ready. Oh my heavens this is actually happening. The cumulation of 7.5 years of dreaming. Thank you everyone for all your support and hard work these last few years in helping us realize the sweetest of dreams. A few years ago I wrote a poem for my future baby and right now the last verse seems particularly poignant.

I have carried you in my heart for years.
You were conceived in the most extraordinary of dreams.
Your father and I have held your eyes, hands and soul for many moons.
We are bound by love.


Jessa xx

2011, The Bright Spots

As this year comes to a close I feel it important to reflect on my favourite things and moments. This year has been the most challenging of my life. Going on without Tim and an adoption that has proved to be even more painful than I ever would have imagined has not been easy. However in the middle of some of my darkest moments I have been so blessed to encounter some beautiful ones.

Obviously Oz has been a blessing. As time goes on he is still a magical blessing and while Christmas was painful without him I am looking forward to the day we are finally all together. I searched high and low for a baby's first Christmas ornament and apparently this year not a lot of companies made them. The one above I got from Wedgewood China and I am very pleased with it. Buying a new ornament each year is a family tradition and while he is not yet home it was important for me to do that.

I also discovered Yogalosophy this year and love it!!! Mandy's workout is my favourite and throwing the yoga mat down and doing Yoga with her in the morning is a highlight of my day. I've been negligent but I'm determined to get back to doing it every other day again. It's a very uplifting energizing workout, and she does it on the beach which makes it very peaceful and sunny.

One of my favourite things this year has been my friends. I have been horrific at making plans with people but amazingly people have continued to make an effort to see me and I am so thankful for them. I have amazing friends for someone who is a major loner. I also am proud of myself for being able to support the people in my life who needed it this year including myself. My scope of people has been limited but I was determined to finish this year feeling I'd done a good job with those I love most and who are struggling with a painful year of firsts. I think I've done well with that, I think Tim would be proud of me, and I'm proud of me.

I have really worked at setting boundaries as well as making sure I have me time to empty my mind. Usually that is a bath at night. I'm in and out fast because I am not great at sitting still. I have really tried to make bath time more like spa time. I light candles, I use bubble bath, I lie back and breathe. I find having that at the end of each day has been invaluable.

Speaking of candles Anthropoligie is now in Vancouver!! One of my faovurite things from that store is the angel food cake candle. It smells just like the cake and is divine.

I've talked on here before about my love of baking and this year my in laws bought us a pink kitchen aid mixer!!!! It is amazing!!! I have been doing all my baking by hands for years so to have something this kick ass is awesome! Cookies are made in 5 minutes. Cakes take 10. I love it!!

One thing I've let go has been my wardrobe. I know this likely sounds very superficial but I've always been fairly well dressed and while I have gorgeous dresses in excess my casual wear has been non-existent. Doug and I went clothing shopping boxing week and that was wonderful. I love Ralph Lauren for simple and classic clothing, but more importantly I love Winners for selling it to me cheap.

Finally my last two favourite things. One was during our trip to New York. We rented rowboats in Cantral Park (the picture above is me in the boat) and I felt so at peace and content. It was the perfect date activity.

Finally is a gift from a very special girlfriend of mine. Haley wrote a song for me about our adoption. Not only do I absolutely love it, the idea anyone would write a song about me is amazing. It's beautiful much like the singer and songwriter behind it.



So this New years I will raise my glass to surviving 2011, and to 2012 being full of love and light.

J xx

Love and Tears

Oh Tim, has it really been almost a year since the world last saw your smile? Since we all felt warm and safe because tragedies like this belonged to someone else, and we were the ones praying for those who hurt? Tell me please, that time has not marched on and any second you may still walk through our door. We are so desperate to see you once again.

I would never have imagined grief could be so stagnant. A year almost upon us and I can hardly believe my calendar. I can hardly believe these moments have all come and gone, seasons changed and we are still here without you. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and we can recreate the world, this time we will have a different ending. We need a different ending. We need you.

3 months after you died, our little boy was born. The most bitter sweet of moments and more then anything I wish you both were home. I hope I told you enough how much your support always meant to us and that these last few years we could not have done it without you. Your unending love and compassion filled our world and I hope you know even in these darkened times it still does. Your memory surrounds us like golden threads and your ever reaching wings still hold us close.

We miss you every moment of the day, this still seems so unreal. Rachelle has been so amazing and I don't know how she does it, but her and Maddy are our lights. I am thankful for the family the 4 of us created together over the years, it brings such comfort now in times we never would have imagined. Your mom and sister are so much of you, it is such a gift for all of us. The strength and grace of all the women in your life is astounding. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. We have been blessed by them all.

I don't want to go to bed tonight, and I don't really want to face tomorrow. This is an anniversary that should never be, a moment that none of us should face. Grief is so complex and I never wanted to know her so intimately. To know each crevice of shock, denial, anger, despair, and how they all spin round and round, and each moment something new arises. Grief is not a process of steps, there is no a to b, it is a hurricane. A relentless mass of chaos and in it you are left searching for the center, just to crouch down and hide your eyes, hoping for a moment of peace before you are thrown up once again and tossed around. We pray for peace each day. We pray for peace for all of us. We pray for you.

I hope you visit time from time and see us in the moments where we share a joke you would enjoy, or a memory that makes us laugh until we ache. I hope you see in all our pain the legacy of love and laughter that you have left us. You are the guiding star that makes the night still sparkle. You are our light, our love, our laughter. You are the hope we still cling tight to. The hope we will see you once again.

Love, love, endless love, wherever you may be I hope our love still finds you.

We love you always, J xx

I Should Have Known Better

It was my own fault... After all I was the one wanting a nice relaxing massage and I probably should have known better. I likely should have asked questions such as "do you plan on making inappropriate comments during this massage?" I definitely should have known better than to disclose the fact we are adopting. After all that is usually just an invitation to pry into my personal life and make rude comments about adoption, money, and "screwed up kids". The next time someone asks me if I have children I'm going to respond that I eat children for breakfast. Just to be different. Just to impart a little shock into their lives so that as their jaw drops open I can enjoy a few moments of glorious silence.

It's been a long few weeks. Are you wondering what is going on with our adoption? Well, so am I. I know nothing other than there is a problem. When our agency went bankrupt I was terrified. I felt helpless and heartbroken and exactly like I feel now. Except now, I have a photo of my little man. I have a photo of a beautiful baby that is so embedded on my heart. I know who my baby is and now I'm just hoping I can bring him home.

I haven't slept in weeks and as my stress was starting to get out of control I thought a massage would be nice. I was wrong. Very very wrong. Upon arriving and answering questions about my back I told the RMT that I had been seeing a chiropractor for the last 4 months that had helped immensely. She responded that chiropractors were quacks. Not all chiropractors mind you just everyone that wasn't hers. The thing is my chiropractor has helped me. Seeing as this is my body I should be able to ascertain if I'm feeling better. The next 20 minutes was a sales pitch and I stopped mentioning my chiropractor all together feeling slightly berated by her forceful opinion. Next up was the children question. I don't know why I answered. I guess I wanted to stop talking about her Chiro so it seemed like a break. This of course was a mistake. I just wanted to relax. I wanted to be pampered. I didn't want "it's expensive isn't it?" and "do you actually pay for the child?" "Are you worried he has Aids?" "Are you infertile?" The real kicker was "I bet even at 8 months old he's experiencing horrible things." Basically everything someone could say to me to make me want to scream or cry. Eventually she went back to the pitch about her chiropractor and things relaxed a little.

I left an hour later in tears. I may never leave my house again. Ok. Maybe that's an exaggeration. While it was upsetting, I really should know better. After all, people who adopt are open to the same scrutiny by the general public one would expect during an FBI interrogation right? I hear walking across coals is relaxing... Next time I'll try that.

image pinterest.com

Crazy For Cards

I'm hoping to resume regular scheduled blogging at some point, but in the mean time I thought I'd share a bit of what I've been up to. I stumbled upon card making and it is the only thing to keep me remotely sane these days (key word remotely).

We are still waiting for a court date and soon it will be 4 months since our referral. If stress can kill you, our adoption agency may be trying to murder me. There have been many headaches during this process but the sheer agony of the last few months has somehow trumped them all. I feel one step away from becoming the mad hatter. Well, more like half a step. I feel very removed from everything. Rather as though time is walking by me and I remain where I am frozen in uncertainty and fear.

The last couple of weeks I've been making cards day and night. My mom suggested we have a card sale and as such we will be hosting one November on the Island. We will be selling them for $4 each or 6 for $20. I have to admit I'm pretty excited. It's been really nice to find a creative outlet and one removed from writing. I've needed a break from this and while I'm feeling much more inspired these days and have a few blogs in the back of my mind for next week, this has been a welcome creative change!

I hope all is well with you and please know I have missed it here.

J xx