Poverty Of the Soul

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

~ Mother Teresa ~

I was not certain how I would feel in Ethiopia. How would it be to see so much poverty coming from a country of such ostentatious wealth? Would the weight of such massive disparity feel overwhelming? Would the helplessness leave me feeling paralyzed?

The truth is I felt all those things. Useless, angry, and at times dispair. We are a spoiled nation. We are spoiled individuals. The distance in wealth and the overwhelming awareness of my own sense of entitlement was polarizing. However, what left the largest impact on me was not that our 756 sq foot condo here is a large home there. Or even that I can go to the tap and pour myself a beautiful glass of clean water, something that I have not been able to stop relishing in since. The biggest residual impact has been that as a collective the people in Ethiopia are among the happiest I have ever had the fortune to meet. They are gracious, humble, polite, and smiling. They have something that as a nation we do not.

If you do not work you do not eat. They are happy to be employed. They are grateful to be working, It is such a difference in mentality as I myself have had many days when going to work felt like a huge burden. Not that I've ever had a job so horrid, my entire attitude was one of wanting without effort. In fact it is an attitude that makes it harder to not only enjoy my day, but doesn't enrich anyone else's day either. It is an attitude I dare say we have all shared in for much longer than we'd care to admit.

The orphanage had a kitchen not much larger than my own tiny one where they cook for 58 children. When we met the amazing women who do this 3 times a day they were laughing and smiling and very humble when I told them how incredible it is what they do. They didn't even seem to realize the extraordinary nature of this accomplishment. They work harder there than anyone I know and with seemingly little effort in making it fun. The inspiration there was in every corner and crevice.

It is not how much we do,
but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give,
but how much love we put in the giving.

~ Mother Teresa ~

The love put into the actions was magical. The love put into the children was something you could see the children flourish with. There is love in abundance in that country. One of the employees who drove us to the southern region had a ringer on his phone I will never forget. Every time it rang a booming voice came on saying " You are blessed. You are blessed in your family. You are blessed in your work. You are blessed in your finances. You are blessed in your relationships." After spending 12 hours listening to this every 1/2 hour or so it was impossible not to feel lighter, refreshed, grateful.

While on this drive we were accompanied by nurses carrying for two eight month old babies. One was paralyzed from the waist down, and had fluid in his brain. He was suffering horrible headaches as his head grew. The other a little girl no larger than a new born. It was shocking to see and I knew the nurses and our guide were very understanding of the pain that kept crawling across our face as we looked a these precious children. We were obviously not used to seeing such suffering especially in such circumstances. While I held the tiny girl who felt lighter than a kitten I could not imagine doing a job such as this. How much emotional strength it would require. They do it though with love and kindness. They give this so freely it seems effortless. Like the earth gives freely to us, they give freely to each other and that is a lesson in being human I will forever be thankful for.

Upon arriving home I am once again caught up in my own first world issues as is human nature. While certain things in me have changed, I work harder to not waste food. I love water even more than I did, and I am challenged to give of myself more. Old habits still remain, but ultimately I think little parts of myself have been changed, and other parts have tasted the inspiration that leads to change.

Ethiopia did not just give me a beautiful son, it gave me perspective, happiness, and a desire to enrich my soul that I have somewhat neglected along this journey. For that I offer my deepest gratitude.

Where there is great love,
there are always great miracles.

~ Mother Teresa ~

Jessa xx

My Yoga Mat, Sophie Kinsella, and a Plane Ticket.

I'm not sure how other woman prepare for motherhood but my last few weeks have been spent in the cookie isle of the grocery store, contemplating whether the gold or copper eye shadow pallet would be more flattering and then buying both, watching a lot of The Barefoot Contessa, and of course saying goodbye to my shoes. All in all I've learned that when it comes to big life changes I enjoy sugar and the frivolous. Although come to think of it that tends to be my life for the most part only slightly less amplified.

Aside from major sugar consumption I've done a ton of yoga and pilates which has helped my stress levels and my abs look pretty awesome. The fact coughing, breathing, eating, hurts is an unfortunate side affect however. I have about a million questions but I've yet to have the nerve to seriously ask someone if I can get Elle Decor and Vogue in Addis. I mean how do you ask that without sounding like an ass? Now to give myself some credit I am going for an indeterminate amount of time. Thinking about being there by myself for months has me a bit nervous. I'm sure once I'm there I'll be relaxed and at ease with my little man but for now I'm having a hard time parting with my clothing, magazines, kitchen aid mixer, washing machine, cats, and husband. Not in that particular order.

Our journey has been a little out of the norm and watching my son grow up through pictures from 2 months old to 1 year has made him seem less than real. I have all these pictures of him but I don't quite believe this is happening. I think at some point believing becomes hard and is replaced by doubt. I am thrilled I get to see his chubby little arms and big brown eyes soon but it is so surreal.

So today is my last day in Canada for a while! I have my yoga mat packed, Sophie Kinsella's new book, Noam Chomsky's new book, and a ridiculous amount of sweater vests for a one year old. I'm feeling nauseous and excited, but I think I have everything ready. Oh my heavens this is actually happening. The cumulation of 7.5 years of dreaming. Thank you everyone for all your support and hard work these last few years in helping us realize the sweetest of dreams. A few years ago I wrote a poem for my future baby and right now the last verse seems particularly poignant.

I have carried you in my heart for years.
You were conceived in the most extraordinary of dreams.
Your father and I have held your eyes, hands and soul for many moons.
We are bound by love.


Jessa xx

2011, The Bright Spots

As this year comes to a close I feel it important to reflect on my favourite things and moments. This year has been the most challenging of my life. Going on without Tim and an adoption that has proved to be even more painful than I ever would have imagined has not been easy. However in the middle of some of my darkest moments I have been so blessed to encounter some beautiful ones.

Obviously Oz has been a blessing. As time goes on he is still a magical blessing and while Christmas was painful without him I am looking forward to the day we are finally all together. I searched high and low for a baby's first Christmas ornament and apparently this year not a lot of companies made them. The one above I got from Wedgewood China and I am very pleased with it. Buying a new ornament each year is a family tradition and while he is not yet home it was important for me to do that.

I also discovered Yogalosophy this year and love it!!! Mandy's workout is my favourite and throwing the yoga mat down and doing Yoga with her in the morning is a highlight of my day. I've been negligent but I'm determined to get back to doing it every other day again. It's a very uplifting energizing workout, and she does it on the beach which makes it very peaceful and sunny.

One of my favourite things this year has been my friends. I have been horrific at making plans with people but amazingly people have continued to make an effort to see me and I am so thankful for them. I have amazing friends for someone who is a major loner. I also am proud of myself for being able to support the people in my life who needed it this year including myself. My scope of people has been limited but I was determined to finish this year feeling I'd done a good job with those I love most and who are struggling with a painful year of firsts. I think I've done well with that, I think Tim would be proud of me, and I'm proud of me.

I have really worked at setting boundaries as well as making sure I have me time to empty my mind. Usually that is a bath at night. I'm in and out fast because I am not great at sitting still. I have really tried to make bath time more like spa time. I light candles, I use bubble bath, I lie back and breathe. I find having that at the end of each day has been invaluable.

Speaking of candles Anthropoligie is now in Vancouver!! One of my faovurite things from that store is the angel food cake candle. It smells just like the cake and is divine.

I've talked on here before about my love of baking and this year my in laws bought us a pink kitchen aid mixer!!!! It is amazing!!! I have been doing all my baking by hands for years so to have something this kick ass is awesome! Cookies are made in 5 minutes. Cakes take 10. I love it!!

One thing I've let go has been my wardrobe. I know this likely sounds very superficial but I've always been fairly well dressed and while I have gorgeous dresses in excess my casual wear has been non-existent. Doug and I went clothing shopping boxing week and that was wonderful. I love Ralph Lauren for simple and classic clothing, but more importantly I love Winners for selling it to me cheap.

Finally my last two favourite things. One was during our trip to New York. We rented rowboats in Cantral Park (the picture above is me in the boat) and I felt so at peace and content. It was the perfect date activity.

Finally is a gift from a very special girlfriend of mine. Haley wrote a song for me about our adoption. Not only do I absolutely love it, the idea anyone would write a song about me is amazing. It's beautiful much like the singer and songwriter behind it.



So this New years I will raise my glass to surviving 2011, and to 2012 being full of love and light.

J xx

Love and Tears

Oh Tim, has it really been almost a year since the world last saw your smile? Since we all felt warm and safe because tragedies like this belonged to someone else, and we were the ones praying for those who hurt? Tell me please, that time has not marched on and any second you may still walk through our door. We are so desperate to see you once again.

I would never have imagined grief could be so stagnant. A year almost upon us and I can hardly believe my calendar. I can hardly believe these moments have all come and gone, seasons changed and we are still here without you. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and we can recreate the world, this time we will have a different ending. We need a different ending. We need you.

3 months after you died, our little boy was born. The most bitter sweet of moments and more then anything I wish you both were home. I hope I told you enough how much your support always meant to us and that these last few years we could not have done it without you. Your unending love and compassion filled our world and I hope you know even in these darkened times it still does. Your memory surrounds us like golden threads and your ever reaching wings still hold us close.

We miss you every moment of the day, this still seems so unreal. Rachelle has been so amazing and I don't know how she does it, but her and Maddy are our lights. I am thankful for the family the 4 of us created together over the years, it brings such comfort now in times we never would have imagined. Your mom and sister are so much of you, it is such a gift for all of us. The strength and grace of all the women in your life is astounding. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. We have been blessed by them all.

I don't want to go to bed tonight, and I don't really want to face tomorrow. This is an anniversary that should never be, a moment that none of us should face. Grief is so complex and I never wanted to know her so intimately. To know each crevice of shock, denial, anger, despair, and how they all spin round and round, and each moment something new arises. Grief is not a process of steps, there is no a to b, it is a hurricane. A relentless mass of chaos and in it you are left searching for the center, just to crouch down and hide your eyes, hoping for a moment of peace before you are thrown up once again and tossed around. We pray for peace each day. We pray for peace for all of us. We pray for you.

I hope you visit time from time and see us in the moments where we share a joke you would enjoy, or a memory that makes us laugh until we ache. I hope you see in all our pain the legacy of love and laughter that you have left us. You are the guiding star that makes the night still sparkle. You are our light, our love, our laughter. You are the hope we still cling tight to. The hope we will see you once again.

Love, love, endless love, wherever you may be I hope our love still finds you.

We love you always, J xx

I Should Have Known Better

It was my own fault... After all I was the one wanting a nice relaxing massage and I probably should have known better. I likely should have asked questions such as "do you plan on making inappropriate comments during this massage?" I definitely should have known better than to disclose the fact we are adopting. After all that is usually just an invitation to pry into my personal life and make rude comments about adoption, money, and "screwed up kids". The next time someone asks me if I have children I'm going to respond that I eat children for breakfast. Just to be different. Just to impart a little shock into their lives so that as their jaw drops open I can enjoy a few moments of glorious silence.

It's been a long few weeks. Are you wondering what is going on with our adoption? Well, so am I. I know nothing other than there is a problem. When our agency went bankrupt I was terrified. I felt helpless and heartbroken and exactly like I feel now. Except now, I have a photo of my little man. I have a photo of a beautiful baby that is so embedded on my heart. I know who my baby is and now I'm just hoping I can bring him home.

I haven't slept in weeks and as my stress was starting to get out of control I thought a massage would be nice. I was wrong. Very very wrong. Upon arriving and answering questions about my back I told the RMT that I had been seeing a chiropractor for the last 4 months that had helped immensely. She responded that chiropractors were quacks. Not all chiropractors mind you just everyone that wasn't hers. The thing is my chiropractor has helped me. Seeing as this is my body I should be able to ascertain if I'm feeling better. The next 20 minutes was a sales pitch and I stopped mentioning my chiropractor all together feeling slightly berated by her forceful opinion. Next up was the children question. I don't know why I answered. I guess I wanted to stop talking about her Chiro so it seemed like a break. This of course was a mistake. I just wanted to relax. I wanted to be pampered. I didn't want "it's expensive isn't it?" and "do you actually pay for the child?" "Are you worried he has Aids?" "Are you infertile?" The real kicker was "I bet even at 8 months old he's experiencing horrible things." Basically everything someone could say to me to make me want to scream or cry. Eventually she went back to the pitch about her chiropractor and things relaxed a little.

I left an hour later in tears. I may never leave my house again. Ok. Maybe that's an exaggeration. While it was upsetting, I really should know better. After all, people who adopt are open to the same scrutiny by the general public one would expect during an FBI interrogation right? I hear walking across coals is relaxing... Next time I'll try that.

image pinterest.com

Crazy For Cards

I'm hoping to resume regular scheduled blogging at some point, but in the mean time I thought I'd share a bit of what I've been up to. I stumbled upon card making and it is the only thing to keep me remotely sane these days (key word remotely).

We are still waiting for a court date and soon it will be 4 months since our referral. If stress can kill you, our adoption agency may be trying to murder me. There have been many headaches during this process but the sheer agony of the last few months has somehow trumped them all. I feel one step away from becoming the mad hatter. Well, more like half a step. I feel very removed from everything. Rather as though time is walking by me and I remain where I am frozen in uncertainty and fear.

The last couple of weeks I've been making cards day and night. My mom suggested we have a card sale and as such we will be hosting one November on the Island. We will be selling them for $4 each or 6 for $20. I have to admit I'm pretty excited. It's been really nice to find a creative outlet and one removed from writing. I've needed a break from this and while I'm feeling much more inspired these days and have a few blogs in the back of my mind for next week, this has been a welcome creative change!

I hope all is well with you and please know I have missed it here.

J xx

We Pray Together

We have been very fortunate these past few years to be part of an amazing and supportive adoption community. When Imagine Adoption went bankrupt out of necessity we all bonded together and struggled for a resolution. After it was rescued we continued to bond together over our mutual understanding, friendship, and love.

Last week one of our wonderful fellow adoptive families was torn apart tragically. A beautiful new mother who had been with her son for only 4 months died very suddenly. In times like this when our community is mourning together I realize how thankful I am for all of you.

I am grateful that we celebrate, laugh, cry, and grieve together. I love that in times like this I don't have to explain why this has torn out my heart, a lovely woman I never met, just simply that it has. I am so thankful for all of you and so thankful that through this process I have met so many amazing people all over Canada. I may not have hugged, or touched most of you but all you have made a profound impact on my life just the same.

I am so heartbroken for this family, and their beautiful one year old son. I am sending all my love, strength and prayers to her husband and son and all of those who loved her. I am sending prayers to our beautiful community and hoping all of you know how thankful I am that we laugh, cry, morn, and pray together.



All My Love, J xx





Images from http://www.impressionsareeverything.com/cat58_1.htm

I'm a womanizer, toxic, slave 4 U

Years ago when Miss Spears first appeared on the music scene baring her midriff in a catholic school girl uniform designed by Hugh Hefner, I had a serious case of the sads. She pouted a lot and sang innocently about some guy hitting her one more time and was instantly famous. She's made millions by capitalizing on being both wholesome and a sex kitten, and I can't help but wish I'd gotten a tan, grabbed a kilt, and thought of it all first. In the 90's while I was hitting the clubs in mini skirts and halter tops I seriously overlooked the whole school girl fetish and in doing so lost my chance at fame and fortune and a permanent tan.

Still, Britney holds a special place in my envious heart. There is something so vacuous about her songs that makes her my ultimate guilty pleasure. My dirty little secret is that I love her dirty little melodies. As an ex-dancer one of my favourite things is to go to youtube and learn her routines. The woman is a phenomenal mover and shaker, and I like to think we are rehearsing together, you know, cause we're bff's and all. Being a little delusional is important to my overall ability to function in this world.

Yesterday Britney and I spent a couple hours together and I remembered a few things I had recently forgotten. One being, finding the fun is a good thing. Doug commented that all her songs are about making out with strangers, and if you can believe it he thought this was a "bad thing". I'm not saying we should all make out with each other (unless you're into that sort of thing), but I remember being an irresponsible and *possibly* intoxicated teen and everything was rather free spirited. Ok shallow is probably a better word, but what's wrong with shallow now and then? I don't want to go back there (I now have a 10 o'clock bed time and I'm pretty sure I can no longer pull off a mini skirt) but I sometimes wonder if there is a part of that unbridled enthusiasm and energy I should tap into more. I know 90 year olds who get out more than I do and it's recently occurred to me that's sort of sad. As Van Wilder famously said "You shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."

As we wait for a court date our lives seems to once again be caught up in bureaucracy. I've been rather down and have forgotten to enjoy myself, my friends, and silliness. If all I have is today I don't want to spend it simply worrying about tomorrow. I'm not suggesting we develop peter pan syndrome, but it also may be a little premature to hand in our dancing shoes.

As I struggle with being on the other side of the world from my little man while Ethiopia is in the middle of a serious drought I worry. I worry a lot. I try to do what I can, but I feel helpless and useless 99% of the time. The other 1% I'm asleep. I can't even describe how much my heart hurts thinking of him spending more time in an orphanage especially under these circumstances. But as Van Wilder also said "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." All it's doing is making me crazier than I already am, so I need to get my butt out of the rocking chair and out on the dance floor (aka. my living room). Maybe I should invest in a top hat as well?

J xx