Friday, March 26, 2010

Diary Of An Almost Action Hero

As seen on facebook yesterday, I am now one step closer to being an action hero. If the clothes make the man, then this dress should turn me into one heck of a kick ass vampire slayer/time traveller/doll. This was once Eliza Dushku's. Now, it is mine. I bought it on Ebay for $65. Who knew action hero attire was so cheap?

When I was a little girl, I was pretty girly. I loved pepto bismol pink, preferably in some tacky fabric resembling cotton candy. My mom fondly remembers a shopping trip to Toronto we went on when I was 5. It was there in the window, my future prom dress/wedding dress/every day errand running dress! I was gasping in awe, my big eyes entranced at what she calls "the most hideous pink dress in the world." I turned to her and asked if she had enough money, would she buy me that dress? She nodded earnestly that she absolutely would! Kids are such schmucks. While I enjoyed putrid amounts of pink as a wee fashion challenged patsy, I was still rather "boyish". I loved dirt, mud, snails, worms, and bugs. My favourite disney movie was Peter Pan, and not because I wanted to be Tinker Bell. In fact, Peter Pan taught me that boys had all the fun, while the pretty girl with the wings sat in a jar all day. I was beginning to question femininity.

My brother actually introduced me to my first almost action hero experience. He was 6 years older, and his friends thought it was funny when I would push them over. I thought this was great fun as well. So much fun that the next time I went to the mall, I proceeded to push down all the other children. We were in no uncertain terms, asked to leave. Ok, so maybe I wasn't a nice action hero, but I was still kicking some ass.

Then I broke someone's arm. I know, by now you're thinking this is going to end with me confessing to being a serial killer. I probably appear a terrifying tyke. In my defence though, the boy in my 3rd grade class grabbed me around the neck. Naturally I flipped him over my back, and ran away. When I saw him next, he had a cast on.The kicker is I was the scrawniest kid in our grade. One of us was very embarrassed.

The years carried on with many signs I was destined for action hero greatness. I remember acting out scenes in Die Hard with my girlfriend in grade 7. I love Bruce Willis, and we have a little something in common... He plays the harmonica, and I'd like to learn. That's a connection right? Soon after, Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 became the coolest chick on the planet. Finally a woman with cutzpah! Plus as it turns out, we're both Libra's. That has to mean something! Nothing for me though has topped Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I still have my "Buffy boots" from ten years ago. Fashionable, girly, and dangerous. Finally my two worlds were coming together. Faith was my favourite. She was sort of crazy, and I like that in a girl. Eliza Dushku is also terrified of flying. Just. Like. Me. You can't argue with fate. The signs are clearly there.

I am beyond thrilled to own her dress, and believe it must be time for my initiation into the Action Hero Circle. Surely this is the only explanation for a life such as mine which seemed destined for greatness from the beginning. In two weeks the dress will arrive. I expect once I put it on I will be able to take over the world, providing I can fit into it. I won't forget all of you who supported me when I was a mere mortal. Even awesome action heros need little people to pump up their egos from time to time. xo


  1. Love it, Jessa...the whole thing. I laughed out loud at a few parts, one of them being the reference to pepto bismol pink - perfect description!

    Really enjoying your writing - you sound like a super hero to me even WITHOUT the dress!


  2. Maybe you'll find some of her DNA in the dress...then you can clone her.

  3. Thank you so much Ruth!!

    Anya, now that's a genius idea!! ; )


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