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Friday, March 26, 2010

Diary Of An Almost Action Hero



As seen on facebook yesterday, I am now one step closer to being an action hero. If the clothes make the man, then this dress should turn me into one heck of a kick ass vampire slayer/time traveller/doll. This was once Eliza Dushku's. Now, it is mine. I bought it on Ebay for $65. Who knew action hero attire was so cheap?

When I was a little girl, I was pretty girly. I loved pepto bismol pink, preferably in some tacky fabric resembling cotton candy. My mom fondly remembers a shopping trip to Toronto we went on when I was 5. It was there in the window, my future prom dress/wedding dress/every day errand running dress! I was gasping in awe, my big eyes entranced at what she calls "the most hideous pink dress in the world." I turned to her and asked if she had enough money, would she buy me that dress? She nodded earnestly that she absolutely would! Kids are such schmucks. While I enjoyed putrid amounts of pink as a wee fashion challenged patsy, I was still rather "boyish". I loved dirt, mud, snails, worms, and bugs. My favourite disney movie was Peter Pan, and not because I wanted to be Tinker Bell. In fact, Peter Pan taught me that boys had all the fun, while the pretty girl with the wings sat in a jar all day. I was beginning to question femininity.

My brother actually introduced me to my first almost action hero experience. He was 6 years older, and his friends thought it was funny when I would push them over. I thought this was great fun as well. So much fun that the next time I went to the mall, I proceeded to push down all the other children. We were in no uncertain terms, asked to leave. Ok, so maybe I wasn't a nice action hero, but I was still kicking some ass.

Then I broke someone's arm. I know, by now you're thinking this is going to end with me confessing to being a serial killer. I probably appear a terrifying tyke. In my defence though, the boy in my 3rd grade class grabbed me around the neck. Naturally I flipped him over my back, and ran away. When I saw him next, he had a cast on.The kicker is I was the scrawniest kid in our grade. One of us was very embarrassed.

The years carried on with many signs I was destined for action hero greatness. I remember acting out scenes in Die Hard with my girlfriend in grade 7. I love Bruce Willis, and we have a little something in common... He plays the harmonica, and I'd like to learn. That's a connection right? Soon after, Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 became the coolest chick on the planet. Finally a woman with cutzpah! Plus as it turns out, we're both Libra's. That has to mean something! Nothing for me though has topped Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I still have my "Buffy boots" from ten years ago. Fashionable, girly, and dangerous. Finally my two worlds were coming together. Faith was my favourite. She was sort of crazy, and I like that in a girl. Eliza Dushku is also terrified of flying. Just. Like. Me. You can't argue with fate. The signs are clearly there.

I am beyond thrilled to own her dress, and believe it must be time for my initiation into the Action Hero Circle. Surely this is the only explanation for a life such as mine which seemed destined for greatness from the beginning. In two weeks the dress will arrive. I expect once I put it on I will be able to take over the world, providing I can fit into it. I won't forget all of you who supported me when I was a mere mortal. Even awesome action heros need little people to pump up their egos from time to time. xo

3 comments:

  1. Love it, Jessa...the whole thing. I laughed out loud at a few parts, one of them being the reference to pepto bismol pink - perfect description!

    Really enjoying your writing - you sound like a super hero to me even WITHOUT the dress!

    Ruth

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  2. Maybe you'll find some of her DNA in the dress...then you can clone her.

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  3. Thank you so much Ruth!!

    Anya, now that's a genius idea!! ; )

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