background

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I'm not mentally ill, I'm adopting



Yesterday I finished my baby bird mobile. I looked at endless nurseries, and dreamed of our child. Today, I am doing an impression of a bump on a log. Not a particularly bad impression either. Adoption can make a sane person crazy. I can already envision my husband rolling his eyes at the idea I would view myself as ever being sane. The point still stands jackass. You see what I put up with?

Adoption, while a beautiful thing may cause your hair to turn grey, and fall out. It may cause your gastrointestinal problems to flare up. It may cause you to eat an entire loaf of bread with hagelslag (the dutch know what I'm talking about). Adoption is gruelling. Some days I am unexplainably furious and looking to yell at someone, and I'm not someone who's ever been a candidate for anger management. My probation officer will attest to that. Since this process though, on occasion I have lost my temper. In fact, the other day a car almost hit us, I mean really truly almost hit us, and I got a wee bit angry. Doug stumbled off terrified (like a normal person), while I stood there and swore at the driver every curse word in the book. If you're looking to add to your swearing repertoire I highly recommend British comedies. It was exhilarating!!! It was honestly the best part of my day. Please don't take this as a recommendation to play in traffic. I'm just saying you may have some built up rage, and if someone should happen to almost kill you, it's not the worst thing in the world to direct it accordingly. Maybe just play on the edge of traffic.

Today though, I am not particularly angry. I'm more, lets read some Nancy Drew, drink hot chocolate, maybe watch some Little Bear. You know, grown up stuff. I just feel vulnerable. I rather despise feeling so fragile. I thought though I would share something I wrote when our adoption agency went bankrupt. I published this on facebook in the summer, but with my lack of creativity today, I'm going to republish it here. The last four lines I am considering painting on our babies wall beside the crib.

Lots of love, J. xxoo

I have carried you in my heart for years.
You were conceived in the most extraordinary of dreams.
Your father and I have held your eyes, hands and soul for many moons.
We are bound by love.
We have cried so hard, wolves have howled in the night to give more voice to our pain.
We have fought like lions to protect not a dream, or a process, or our rights, but to protect our child.
I do not care whether our bond can be felt or explained by others.
We know it is there, and each tear confirms it's unbreakable connection.
We have loved you so long, it is unbearable to think you may not be coming home.
We have loved you so long, home in its emptiness has become as quiet as a graveyard.
We can smell you on balmy evening, and hear your giggles on the wings of fireflies.
Some nights in the sweetest of moments, before sleep has crept across my face, I have felt your tiny fingers brush against mine.
You are as real to us as sunshine and more beautiful than the stars.
I have carried you in my heart for years.
You were conceived in the most extraordinary of dreams.
Your father and I have held your eyes, hands and soul for many moons.
We are bound by love.

Jessalyn Rodenburgh

3 comments:

  1. I love that poem.

    The title sums it up as well. Bursting into tears or going silent/distant at a party is the normal world of an adopting person. Especially when they have been fighting through so many barriers, all while being evaluated by the government whether they would be able to properly raise children and how many.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a beautiful poem. Very touching

    I had a similar "road rage" myself last summer. Chris was driving and a man came up beside us and started yelling, well I yelled back and kept yelling. Chris couldn't believe what was coming out of me, but it felt great. Adoption rage coming out. He didn't know who he was messing with. lol

    I love reading your blog and relating 100% it's nice to know i'm not the only insane one out there.
    Nat:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL That's hilarious Nat! Doug and I both burst out laughing reading that. I'm so glad you like my blog! I'm really enjoying writing again. xo

    ReplyDelete

I love your comments & read each and every one of them!!!
Thanks you!!!