Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Infertility 101-Ch2- Your Lady Bits Are The Place To Be

Once you've been referred to a specialist you'll notice everyone wants to take a gander at your privates. I feel it only fair to warn you, they will not be wining and dining your lady bits before demanding to poke and prod them. In fact, even if you take the time to wax or shave and dress them up they will not so much as comment that they look pretty today. So put the vajazzling away, it will not be appreciated.

I almost didn't go to my first appointment. I was literally picking up the phone to cancel when I realized it would be the height of rudeness, and I didn't want to be rude. I felt I was wasting my time, and looked like I was overreacting. Truthfully, I was very embarrassed. I had taken all the 'just relax' advice quite seriously, and believed our lack of pregnancy was my own fault. A spa day might be needed, but a day at the fertility clinic? No way.

I arrived on time and was ushered into a large, empty room. The Doctor came in, asked me about my periods, and had me undress and hop on the table. My periods have always been painful. Really, really painful. I knew they weren't "normal", but I didn't think they were much of a problem. She began to poke around in my southern regions, while I imagined myself bathing on an island that doctors were banned from. She started making some "Oh" noises, which sounds much sexier than it was. She told me to dress and she'd be back in 5 minutes. At this point, I still felt I shouldn't be there. I was 99.9% convinced she'd come back and tell me to get a massage, and take up Yoga.

I remember sitting at her desk and feeling extremely small when she re-entered the room. She told me she'd normally schedule an ultrasound as the next step, but with me it wasn't needed. She could clearly feel bumps inside of me, and the next step would be to have surgery for my Endometriosis. She would remove the Endo, and test my fallopian tubes and ovaries. I was to sign these forms, and I was scheduled for surgery next month. As a side note, she wondered if I was aware my uterus was tilted forwards instead of backwards? Every single person who has had the good fortune to feel around my uterus has mentioned this. It's my doctor's office party trick. With that, she left me. I was alone in this large sterile room, looking at surgery prep forms, and fighting back tears. I was not expecting this.

I was in a daze as I walked home. What the hell was Endometriosis? I was pretty sure she'd made a mistake, and even if she hadn't I was pretty sure a spa day was definitely needed now! I arrived home and read up on it. After hours on the internet I still felt rather stunned. It's not that it's a deadly disease, but the fact I had any sort of reproductive disease was shocking to me. I prepared for surgery, and tried my best to be a trooper. I whined A LOT! Doug was very patient with me as I demanded our home be stocked with Archie comics and lime jello. I was starting to feel really needy. I was scared. What if this was just the beginning?

The best thing I can say about surgery day, aside from the fact my lower half now had an audience of half a dozen people, and was to appear on tv for the first time. The best part was that when it was all over they gave me a picture of my insides. It was the most disgusting, and intriguing thing anyone has ever given me. I would have settled for a sucker, but a photo of my uterus was priceless. For a couple months I carried it around with me, and would show it to anyone who was interested, or just those who maintained eye contact with me a second too long. Everything seemed ready to go now, and this was my souvenir from my brief stint at fertility rehab.

I'm going to end there for today. I've decided to go book myself that spa day. It's years overdue, and I think at this point it's fairly well deserved. Happy St. Patrick's day! Don't do anything I wouldn't do. (The good news is there isn't much I wouldn't do) . Have Fun!! xo


  1. Having a uterus photo sounds pretty cool. Definitely a "high" part.
    I also really like the term "vajazzling". I shall use that ;)

  2. Great work Jessa but there are a few problems. First, it was Betty and Veronicas not Archies and second you also required peanut butter and chocolate ice cream that you could only get from Baskin Robbins (which was across town). Enjoy that spa day you deserve it!

  3. Anya, I'll show it to you sometime. It's a sight to behold. I would love to take credit for the term vajazzling but sadly it's not mine. It's this thing people have done where they get crystals placed on their bikini area in different patterns. The porn star in me is tempted to try this, but the prude in me is weirded out. ; )

    Doug, the ice cream came later when I was thoroughly depressed. Sheesh. Way to ruin the ending. You are right however, it is the B & V's I read. They are the best friends a girl could ask for.


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