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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Infertility 101-Ch3- Cabbage Patch Dolls Are The Way To Go


Infertility 101-Ch3-

So this is where we left off. It turned out I'm not the ovulator I imagined myself to be, and Doug and the cup were not destined for a torrid love affair. I stopped taking clomid to give my body a rest. It seemed we were heading towards IVF. IVF however costs thousands of dollars, and I didn't particularly like the idea of spending thousands on a 'maybe'. We had always planned to adopt a child, so wrapping our minds around this alternative wasn't particularly difficult. I felt in my heart I was meant to find my child in the world, and while I wasn't ready to completely give up hope of a biological child, I was ready to try something new. We were just over two years into trying, and I was worn out. I sort of wanted to hit up Toys R' Us, buy a cabbage patch doll and call it a day.

We continued trying the old fashioned way for another 6 months before contacting the first agency. I'm not sure people talk about sex and infertility but here is my perspective. Remember when you were an irresponsible youngster, and your hormones multiplied faster than the fruit flies in your locker? The back of a mini seemed romantic, and 'All I wanna do is Zooma Zoom Zoom Zoom and a Boom Boom' was your theme song? Trying to conceive through infertility is the exact opposite of that. I'd elaborate, but I think that sums it up. The EXACT opposite.

I'm not really sure where to inject this into our journey, so I'm going to awkwardly comment on it here. I have been pregnant. In fact I have been pregnant a few times... More than a few times. On the rare occasions I ovulate, the sperm and egg have met for a brief 'how do you do'. I like to pretend our miscarriages are due to our offspring being overly excited to meet us. They just can't wait 9 months to join cocktail hour, so they abandon ship early. Can't say I blame them, we are pretty awesome. That's all I really have to say about that. It's not something I'm comfortable talking about at the best of times. I guess that's part of the journey that's really private for me. It's the part I'm not good with sharing. It's the part I've made peace with and need to leave where it lies.

When we decided to start researching agencies there was a sense of calmness in our home. It took a weight off our shoulders, and we had this clarity that no matter what happened we would be parents one day. We naively thought the worst was over. We were so young... So innocent.... So... Well, you get the drift. I'm going to end there because my day has ran away on me, and I'm craving Kraft dinner with veggie dogs. The ultimate in comfort food entrees. I will end with this quote on innocence. It always lifts my spirits when I feel our naive nature let us down. I sometimes forget that with everything we've been through, our willingness to believe in happy endings is our bread and honey. It's what unites both Doug and I, and all the other adoptive parents in this journey with us.

“That's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong, that decency will somehow triumph in the end” Lise Hand

No, I'm not saying we're heros. I just really like the quote. As an adoptee myself I've always despised the notion of adoption being a humanitarian act. I put this out there to all people: Adoption is not some selfless act of charity. I will get to that another day, but my skin completely crawls at the notion. So many rants, so little time...

J xx

2 comments:

  1. You should write one of those crazy IF books! You'd make a FORTUNE. You hit it so on the nail, totally.

    We did the whole IVF crap thing for years and now have our sweetie from Ethiopia and waiting for little brother from South Africa, you're time is coming!

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  2. I can't imagine what being pregnant feels like and then to have to go through losing the baby and more than once. You are a strong person to have dealt with it....or should I say learned to live with it and for that you will be an even better person and mother. Things have to happen for us someday and maybe then and only then will we truly understand why.
    N:)

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