Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Big Ugly Feelings
Nothing is cheering me up this week, so rather than attempt something entertaining I'm going to write everything I'm feeling. I'm not even going to bother organizing my thoughts, I can't muster up the energy today.
I'm lonely. Yes, I have friends and family, but I feel lonely. I feel like I'm out in a boat, and while I can see people waving from the shore, for the most part I'm floating along by myself.
I'm frustrated. My life is being dictated by processes I don't understand, and never ending bureaucracy that I can't escape.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being hopeful. I'm tired of turning my frown upside down. I'm tired of being patient.
I hurt. Sometimes it hurts just sitting here. It hurts knowing I can't escape this chaos. It hurts knowing my husband hurts like me.
I'm frightened. I'm scared this may not happen and despite the protest to the contrary, there are people this doesn't happen for. There are scenarios that you're never prepared to handle. I know how that feels. I know what it's like to believe you have lost everything. I'm not sure I'd have the strength to endure that pain again.
I'm jealous. I'm jealous of those who have babies in a a small nine month window. I'm jealous of those who never experience the years and years of this dream eroding at the crevices of their spirits. I can not fathom a nine month pregnancy. It is so beyond my realm of reality.
I'm angry. I'm angry at everything we've been through. I'm angry it happened to us. I'm angry we have to work so hard at this. I'm angry evil has a face. I'm angry that no matter where we turn, or what we do, we are dealing with the consequences of someone else's corruption.
I'm helpless. Perhaps the worst feeling of all. I can't make this any better, I feel so damn small and insignificant in this world.
I feel guilty. I sometimes think I must have done something terrible to deserve this. In my darkest moments I think I brought this on myself.
I feel so defeated. I don't always have the fight and fire, and on occasion I just need to rest my soul.
I feel desperate. I want to make this better for my husband and all the other waiting parents. I am so sorry I can't. So sorry for my empty hands. So sorry for your pain, I know it well. I would give anything to ease it for you all. I would give anything for no one to have to feel the way we do, it's unbearable.
I feel silenced. Despite my self expression here, I feel my voice has little left to say, and talking doesn't seem to change a thing. The minutes fade to hours, and the days keep passing by and I'm still sitting in an empty nursery, as though waiting for Godot to finally come. I hope he does.