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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Big Ugly Feelings


Nothing is cheering me up this week, so rather than attempt something entertaining I'm going to write everything I'm feeling. I'm not even going to bother organizing my thoughts, I can't muster up the energy today.


I'm lonely. Yes, I have friends and family, but I feel lonely. I feel like I'm out in a boat, and while I can see people waving from the shore, for the most part I'm floating along by myself.

I'm frustrated. My life is being dictated by processes I don't understand, and never ending bureaucracy that I can't escape.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being hopeful. I'm tired of turning my frown upside down. I'm tired of being patient.

I hurt. Sometimes it hurts just sitting here. It hurts knowing I can't escape this chaos. It hurts knowing my husband hurts like me.

I'm frightened. I'm scared this may not happen and despite the protest to the contrary, there are people this doesn't happen for. There are scenarios that you're never prepared to handle. I know how that feels. I know what it's like to believe you have lost everything. I'm not sure I'd have the strength to endure that pain again.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of those who have babies in a a small nine month window. I'm jealous of those who never experience the years and years of this dream eroding at the crevices of their spirits. I can not fathom a nine month pregnancy. It is so beyond my realm of reality.

I'm angry. I'm angry at everything we've been through. I'm angry it happened to us. I'm angry we have to work so hard at this. I'm angry evil has a face. I'm angry that no matter where we turn, or what we do, we are dealing with the consequences of someone else's corruption.

I'm helpless. Perhaps the worst feeling of all. I can't make this any better, I feel so damn small and insignificant in this world.

I feel guilty. I sometimes think I must have done something terrible to deserve this. In my darkest moments I think I brought this on myself.

I feel so defeated. I don't always have the fight and fire, and on occasion I just need to rest my soul.

I feel desperate. I want to make this better for my husband and all the other waiting parents. I am so sorry I can't. So sorry for my empty hands. So sorry for your pain, I know it well. I would give anything to ease it for you all. I would give anything for no one to have to feel the way we do, it's unbearable.

I feel silenced. Despite my self expression here, I feel my voice has little left to say, and talking doesn't seem to change a thing. The minutes fade to hours, and the days keep passing by and I'm still sitting in an empty nursery, as though waiting for Godot to finally come. I hope he does.

6 comments:

  1. Those are the exact thoughts I have almost everyday. I try to focus on the fleeting things that keep me distracted from the ugly thoughts - like the 30 seconds it takes me to devour a fruit and nut chocolate bar. Those 30 seconds are Goooooooood...and then I go back to why is this happening, what did I do?

    Remember, you are not alone, there are so many of us standing with you.

    Kirsten

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  2. I'm sorry you're in such a bad way today, Jessa. Helplessness (being out of control) has got to be one of the worst feelings.

    I wish I could give you a big bear hug and make you a cup of tea...and maybe offer you some chocolate at my kitchen table.

    Ruth

    xo

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  3. Jessa, I share all of these feelings. Sometimes, it's so hard to believe this process will ever end with a baby in my arms.

    I'm sending you a big hug!

    Nicole

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  4. My heart goes out to all of you, future Moms and Dads, waiting, waiting, waiting. I dream of the day you get "the call". We will all be hysterical just like I was 32 1/2 years ago. It will happen, it will happen, it will happen!! Your baby will sit in that highchair!! I just know it.

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  5. Wow! Reading all of your comments, I am so grateful. There is something so amazing having people understand in my life. The one thing that makes these days not so dark is knowing so many people are in this with me. You all are so amazing. I sincerely mean it when I say, I wish I had the power to ease this for all of you. Thank you so much for your support. It truly means the world to me. xx

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  6. All of my friends are getting pregnant and announcing their exciting news. I announce nothing 'cause nothing is happening. My family makes hints like, "you're the only one out of all your friends that doesn't have a baby yet."
    Ya, thanks for the update 'cause I didn't notice.

    Anyway, if I lived closer I would take you out for a triple scoop ice-cream.

    :)

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