Thursday, June 24, 2010
My Little Rain Cloud
I'm often jealous of those who have children. Especially those who have never dealt with infertility. Many of us arrived at this moment after years of grief and I think we were changed long before Imagine went bankrupt. We'd discovered our strength before any of the new Ethiopian requirements were made. We'd already lost so much.
We'd already learned to live with feeling helpless and what it means to feel your world shaken and still carry on the next day. Each time bad news arrives I feel I've had years to prepare for the uncertain. Years to pick up the pieces of my broken heart once more. I'm not saying it's easy, it's damn hard at times. It's exhausting and sometimes the tears surprise me. My raw anger at the situation shocks me, but I get through it. We all do.
My marriage has survived years of infertility and a very rocky adoption. I guess after all this I feel like a survivor. I'm proud of my strength.
Today marks 20 months since our dossier arrived in Ethiopia. Today we also received an update that didn't give us any answers. Today I will mope and have a long talk with some food about my frustration.
Tomorrow I will pick myself up, carry on with as much dignity as I can muster, and be amazed at what a wonderful life we have built together. I understand this process. I understand this grief. I understand just how strong I am.
Love, J xx