"...each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
A year ago today I learned via facebook that our adoption agency went bankrupt. There were no answers given, there was no one even there to answer the phone. This was a loss like none other I had ever faced. It was raw unbridled anguish, and it was ugly.
After a few days all families involved managed to put on our armor and prepare for battle. We petitioned to government officials, people spoke out to the media, more financial commitments were agreed upon, and committees were created with people devoting their time and energy to the resurrection of this agency. Family, friends, and strangers devoted energy and compassion to the renewal of faith. It was a horrific period filled with remarkable action. Thousands of people working to bring hundreds of children home. You are all part of my child's story.
I remember the day of the trustees meeting. Feeling helpless on the other side of the country, I prayed like never before. I later read that the BDO had proposed a restructuring plan. As people recounted the surge of emotion running through the room, the open sobbing of men and women daring to dream again as all 250 people raised their hands and voted yes,I cried with them. I cry now thinking about the moment all of us who thought we had lost everything, reclaimed a piece of our lost hope. Held on to a corner of that dream once more.
I commend all of you. I am so amazed at the strength of a group of people entrenched in grief and grounded in fierce determination. I am honoured to be in this with you.
I also take this time to remember families who we lost in this horror, and children who were not united with their parents. The impact cruel actions had on our lives, leaves deep scars. I will not ever forget you. I will not ever forget these moments.
I continue to pray for all of us, and I am so thankful to call many of you my friends and confidantes. You are my inspiration.
Sincerely, Jessa xx