Thursday, August 19, 2010
Inspired by Love, Guided by Knowledge
Since I've been feeling rather inspired and joyous lately, I thought it would be the perfect time to share my thoughts on our adoption journey. Tomorrow I may be pulling my hair out again, so I want to seize the tranquility I've acquired as of late, and harness it into what hopes to be an uplifting post.
Some may find this an astonishing statement, but I know there is a chance we will never be parents. There is always a chance things we want and work for, will not come to us. That is the world we live in, and while I am hopeful and optimistic, I am also a realist. The fact is there are many who go without children despite their deepest desires, and I am no more worthy than they are. I am not shielded by some unknown power protecting me from that fate.
More importantly, over the past 6 years I have come to realize if my life is to be without children, that would be fine. I don't relish in the prospect, however my life has been without children for years and in the middle of infertility, miscarriages, a collapsed adoption agency, I have come out fine. I have come out stronger, and wiser (I hope) and with a healthier perspective on life. I feel I have grown philosophically and it has given me a better vantage point to observe humanity and suffering. I have become more invested in how people find peace and joy amongst chaos. I don't mean my personal traumas, but the great atrocities in our world. I have become more diligent in reading their stories, Mother Teresa's wisdom, hearing the voices of the oppressed. They have become my beacon of hope. They are survivors and I am ever astonished by their strength. They are reminders that I want the world to benefit in some small way from me being a part of it. It is my hope that my presence is something more than just a drain on the earth's resources. I am constantly being challenged to be a better citizen of the world, and with that my personal world grows and develops into something more remarkable than I ever dreamed all those years ago. I may never be a Mom, but I am becoming many things and perhaps my increasing education has been the biggest reward of all. One of my favourite quotes is "Inspired by love, guided by knowledge". I feel I am abiding by this more as each day passes.
I still have my moments, and will continue to have them. While I have learned a great deal I am still not impervious to sorrow. None of us are. I do become more aware though that I have the choice to go through this kicking and screaming, or I can "lighten up" as my creamer suggests. I can visualize each day as a new treasure for my memory book. I am more in love with my life as time carries on, and for today the end of my journey does not concern me, it is how I spend my time traveling that is the gift.