background

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Inspired by Love, Guided by Knowledge



Since I've been feeling rather inspired and joyous lately, I thought it would be the perfect time to share my thoughts on our adoption journey. Tomorrow I may be pulling my hair out again, so I want to seize the tranquility I've acquired as of late, and harness it into what hopes to be an uplifting post.

Some may find this an astonishing statement, but I know there is a chance we will never be parents. There is always a chance things we want and work for, will not come to us. That is the world we live in, and while I am hopeful and optimistic, I am also a realist. The fact is there are many who go without children despite their deepest desires, and I am no more worthy than they are. I am not shielded by some unknown power protecting me from that fate.

More importantly, over the past 6 years I have come to realize if my life is to be without children, that would be fine. I don't relish in the prospect, however my life has been without children for years and in the middle of infertility, miscarriages, a collapsed adoption agency, I have come out fine. I have come out stronger, and wiser (I hope) and with a healthier perspective on life. I feel I have grown philosophically and it has given me a better vantage point to observe humanity and suffering. I have become more invested in how people find peace and joy amongst chaos. I don't mean my personal traumas, but the great atrocities in our world. I have become more diligent in reading their stories, Mother Teresa's wisdom, hearing the voices of the oppressed. They have become my beacon of hope. They are survivors and I am ever astonished by their strength. They are reminders that I want the world to benefit in some small way from me being a part of it. It is my hope that my presence is something more than just a drain on the earth's resources. I am constantly being challenged to be a better citizen of the world, and with that my personal world grows and develops into something more remarkable than I ever dreamed all those years ago. I may never be a Mom, but I am becoming many things and perhaps my increasing education has been the biggest reward of all. One of my favourite quotes is "Inspired by love, guided by knowledge". I feel I am abiding by this more as each day passes.

I still have my moments, and will continue to have them. While I have learned a great deal I am still not impervious to sorrow. None of us are. I do become more aware though that I have the choice to go through this kicking and screaming, or I can "lighten up" as my creamer suggests. I can visualize each day as a new treasure for my memory book. I am more in love with my life as time carries on, and for today the end of my journey does not concern me, it is how I spend my time traveling that is the gift.

J xx

8 comments:

  1. Hello,
    Thank you so much for coming over and leaving me such a sweet comment!
    I want you to know that I will be praying that you will someday be able to become a mom. You have such an amazing attitude!
    I am so glad I found your blog today!
    Take Care,
    Maria
    p.s. Isn't blogging the most amazing experience!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very timely...just this week I have been mulling over what it would mean if we chose NOT to pursue becoming parents (and I say "choose" even though doors in the adoption world seem to keep closing on us...I figure if we kept at it long and hard enough, it would happen eventually). Not that I'm anywhere close to making that decision, but it is worth some reflection, indeed. I always picture children in my future, and assume we will have a family, but...at the same time, I have days where I wonder what it might be like just to keep focusing on working with youth and being an aunt (and enjoying quiet weekends at the campground with the dogs) without adding our own kids to the mix. I guess the bottom line is, I agree that life can go on regardless of whether children enter the picture or not. Trusting that you continue to experience peace with whatever unfolds in the coming months and years!

    ReplyDelete
  3. How beautiful! Your words ring so true and I love that you have come to such peace within yourself. Life is indeed a gift and it to live it to the full is an art.
    I am certain you will be blessed with a child one day. You would make the best parent and role model. Any child would be lucky to have you as a mother.

    Hang on in there. Miracles happen. Believe.

    xx C

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is my favourite post of yours yet, Jessa. It speaks to your strength of character - to be able to broach this topic despite it being surely tainted with the pain of life's experiences. Thank you for posting it.

    BLessings, and with my hope that you will, indeed, become parents one day,

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  5. Maria, Thank you so much. I meant what I said on your blog. I have so much respect for you and you inspire me so much I am FLOORED you are now following me. I am profoundly flattered.

    Joy, I know exactly how you feel. I think often as much as I want to be a mom some times I just have to reground myself and look at my life as it is without children. Fortunately, I'm very happy in my life, but there are so many ups and downs to this! Adoption is definitely not for the faint of heart... The amazing friendships I've made through the bankruptcy make every day a little easier though... ♥

    Charlotta, thank you so much! I truly hope so...
    I adore your blog so much, and as with Maria I am amazed you are now following mine! It literally makes my heart sing.

    Ruth, Thank you so much!!! I am so excited for you to get that phone call any day now!! You are such a pillar of strength and I'm privileged to call you my friend.

    Jxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. beautiful! I'm sending positive wishes your way that your dream comes true soon :) I believe it will!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you so much Wendy! That means a great deal to me.

    Jessa xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. I firmly believe that speaking the words, not denying your desire and now writing this post declaring that you have done enough (believed enough, wished enough, cried enough, filled in forms enough) to let it go and let it be (even if it is just in this brief moment), these are the very things that will bring your child to your doorstep. And this child, the one whom you have dreamt about and yearned for will be blessed to have you.

    ReplyDelete

I love your comments & read each and every one of them!!!
Thanks you!!!