Thursday, December 30, 2010
Dear Tim, I Miss You
This is a letter to a dear friend. One of the best men I know and someone who understands my ability to write the words I can not bring myself to say. Tim, this one's for you.
On Dec 8th when Rachelle phoned me to let me know you had died I felt the world come crashing down. Everything in me hurt and in between the screams and sobs I felt the horror of having to tell my husband, your best friend, that you were gone. I couldn't imagine the pain Rachelle must have been feeling. I thought of your Mom, your sister.... I wondered how those three women who love you beyond measure would get through this. I wondered how Doug would. I didn't want to break his heart. I didn't want to send him to hell with three little words,"Tim passed away". I did though, and it's a hell from which none of us have returned.
I'm still in denial and to be honest I rather like it here. When denial washes over me and the calm kicks in that this was a nightmare from which I will wake, my heart hurts a little less. I imagine in time I will miss the denial. Miss the place where the impossible is still possible.
When I think of your service and all of our speeches I am floored that we found that in us. Your wife, your mother, your sister, your best friends. We somehow managed to stand there on a day that seemed inconceivable. We all did it for you. We did it because it was what you deserved. We did it because we know, you would do the same for each of us. We have been so blessed by your presence.
On Christmas morning I watched Doug put together the wagon for your beautiful little girl, a vision that will stay with me always. I still remember the phone call from you telling us she had been born and coming out and seeing your smiling face holding your baby girl. The three of you glowing with love. As I watched Doug play with her I was heartbroken thinking she would never have those moments with you, but I know her Uncle Doug will do everything in his power to do all the things you would want him to. All the things he can to make things easier on her. You and Doug have a friendship that is extraordinarily rare and I know the ties that bind you are gold. I like to think you were there watching them. I think you would have liked those moments. I know he did in spite of all the pain. We love your wife and daughter so much. We love you so much.
I keep hoping things will get easier. I keep waiting for the morning my breathing is deeper and my eyes feel a little less swollen. I keep waiting for the universe to realize it's mistake and bring you back to us. I keep closing my eyes and visualizing a different world and believing if I try hard enough I can change this. I need to change this because I don't know how to get through it. I don't know how any of us will ever get through this and we miss you every second of everyday. We need you.
For now, I will continue to move in and out of denial. I will swing between the certainty of pain and the dream like state of possibility. I will sit here for some time until I'm ready to move on and I know you will understand my reluctance. While they say time will heal this I do not wish for time to pass. Each day that passes moves me farther from the 8th, farther from a time when you were with us. Farther from a world that was brighter.
A few nights after you died Doug and I watched your favourite movie Shawshank Redemption. In the morning he told me he kept watching this part over and over again.
"But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend. "
We love you forever and always, J xx
I met Tim and Doug in 1999 and three of us lived together.
Living with two men was something new to me. Our fridge was mainly filled with bottles of coke and jam my mom would send us which Tim would eat with a spoon. The boys made an indoor golf course in our 800sq foot apartment and we had a book case made entirely of old newspapers. I remember the day we got a computer and Tim vehemently stated he would never use the internet. . Within 2 days he had set up 15 e-mail accounts. Doug bought me the Sweet Vally High board game for my birthday, the girliest board game ever created. They played it every night for two weeks. They played it to make me happy. That's who Tim was, someone who wanted you to be happy.
It is impossible to talk about Tim without talking about Rachelle. I can still see his lovestruck face and he told us how he had met the most amazing girl in the world. Every time he said “Rachelle” he would smile and sigh. He was completely smitten and he would replay their entire conversation many times with us. Luckily she was every bit as wonderful as he said because the four of us spent a lot of time together over the last 11 years.
Tim was an extraordinary man who fell in love with an extraordinary woman and the two of them have been our biggest supports over the years. Rachelle is the first person I turn to when I need to talk. She is the best friend you could ask for and the only person I know who likes cupcakes as much as I do. Tim would wholeheartedly agree when I say he was very lucky to find her.
When I met Tim him and Doug had a deep and loyal friendship that is very rare. The most amazing thing about that is it grew even deeper and stronger as the years went on. As time went by the 4 of us became family. Tim being the strong presence you could depend on to not only lift you up, but to say the most inappropriate things that were sure to make you laugh.We laughed a lot.
In the children's movie Lilo and Stitch they say family means no one gets left behind. Tim, we love you. You will always be with us . We are family. You will never ever be left behind.
Poem for the Program;
You are light.
The light that keeps us warm in the days that seems to dreary. You are there, feeding us your strength.
You are song.
We hear you strumming your guitar, humming through our days. The melody woven in our hearts.
You are words.
The words whispered in our soul. When we need to know the sun will shine again we feel your breath.
You are wisdom. The ever present voice of reason. Resting on our shoulders, your strong and steady hand.
You are love. You are the love that binds us all. The love your family knows so well. The love forever present.
A promise to behold. A promise that you are with us always.