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Friday, December 30, 2011

2011, The Bright Spots








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As this year comes to a close I feel it important to reflect on my favourite things and moments. This year has been the most challenging of my life. Going on without Tim and an adoption that has proved to be even more painful than I ever would have imagined has not been easy. However in the middle of some of my darkest moments I have been so blessed to encounter some beautiful ones.

Obviously Oz has been a blessing. As time goes on he is still a magical blessing and while Christmas was painful without him I am looking forward to the day we are finally all together. I searched high and low for a baby's first Christmas ornament and apparently this year not a lot of companies made them. The one above I got from Wedgewood China and I am very pleased with it. Buying a new ornament each year is a family tradition and while he is not yet home it was important for me to do that.

I also discovered Yogalosophy this year and love it!!! Mandy's workout is my favourite and throwing the yoga mat down and doing Yoga with her in the morning is a highlight of my day. I've been negligent but I'm determined to get back to doing it every other day again. It's a very uplifting energizing workout, and she does it on the beach which makes it very peaceful and sunny.

One of my favourite things this year has been my friends. I have been horrific at making plans with people but amazingly people have continued to make an effort to see me and I am so thankful for them. I have amazing friends for someone who is a major loner. I also am proud of myself for being able to support the people in my life who needed it this year including myself. My scope of people has been limited but I was determined to finish this year feeling I'd done a good job with those I love most and who are struggling with a painful year of firsts. I think I've done well with that, I think Tim would be proud of me, and I'm proud of me.

I have really worked at setting boundaries as well as making sure I have me time to empty my mind. Usually that is a bath at night. I'm in and out fast because I am not great at sitting still. I have really tried to make bath time more like spa time. I light candles, I use bubble bath, I lie back and breathe. I find having that at the end of each day has been invaluable.

Speaking of candles Anthropoligie is now in Vancouver!! One of my faovurite things from that store is the angel food cake candle. It smells just like the cake and is divine.

I've talked on here before about my love of baking and this year my in laws bought us a pink kitchen aid mixer!!!! It is amazing!!! I have been doing all my baking by hands for years so to have something this kick ass is awesome! Cookies are made in 5 minutes. Cakes take 10. I love it!!

One thing I've let go has been my wardrobe. I know this likely sounds very superficial but I've always been fairly well dressed and while I have gorgeous dresses in excess my casual wear has been non-existent. Doug and I went clothing shopping boxing week and that was wonderful. I love Ralph Lauren for simple and classic clothing, but more importantly I love Winners for selling it to me cheap.

Finally my last two favourite things. One was during our trip to New York. We rented rowboats in Cantral Park (the picture above is me in the boat) and I felt so at peace and content. It was the perfect date activity.

Finally is a gift from a very special girlfriend of mine. Haley wrote a song for me about our adoption. Not only do I absolutely love it, the idea anyone would write a song about me is amazing. It's beautiful much like the singer and songwriter behind it.



So this New years I will raise my glass to surviving 2011, and to 2012 being full of love and light.

J xx

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Love and Tears


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Oh Tim, has it really been almost a year since the world last saw your smile? Since we all felt warm and safe because tragedies like this belonged to someone else, and we were the ones praying for those who hurt? Tell me please, that time has not marched on and any second you may still walk through our door. We are so desperate to see you once again.

I would never have imagined grief could be so stagnant. A year almost upon us and I can hardly believe my calendar. I can hardly believe these moments have all come and gone, seasons changed and we are still here without you. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and we can recreate the world, this time we will have a different ending. We need a different ending. We need you.

3 months after you died, our little boy was born. The most bitter sweet of moments and more then anything I wish you both were home. I hope I told you enough how much your support always meant to us and that these last few years we could not have done it without you. Your unending love and compassion filled our world and I hope you know even in these darkened times it still does. Your memory surrounds us like golden threads and your ever reaching wings still hold us close.

We miss you every moment of the day, this still seems so unreal. Rachelle has been so amazing and I don't know how she does it, but her and Maddy are our lights. I am thankful for the family the 4 of us created together over the years, it brings such comfort now in times we never would have imagined. Your mom and sister are so much of you, it is such a gift for all of us. The strength and grace of all the women in your life is astounding. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. We have been blessed by them all.

I don't want to go to bed tonight, and I don't really want to face tomorrow. This is an anniversary that should never be, a moment that none of us should face. Grief is so complex and I never wanted to know her so intimately. To know each crevice of shock, denial, anger, despair, and how they all spin round and round, and each moment something new arises. Grief is not a process of steps, there is no a to b, it is a hurricane. A relentless mass of chaos and in it you are left searching for the center, just to crouch down and hide your eyes, hoping for a moment of peace before you are thrown up once again and tossed around. We pray for peace each day. We pray for peace for all of us. We pray for you.

I hope you visit time from time and see us in the moments where we share a joke you would enjoy, or a memory that makes us laugh until we ache. I hope you see in all our pain the legacy of love and laughter that you have left us. You are the guiding star that makes the night still sparkle. You are our light, our love, our laughter. You are the hope we still cling tight to. The hope we will see you once again.

Love, love, endless love, wherever you may be I hope our love still finds you.

We love you always, J xx

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I Should Have Known Better


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It was my own fault... After all I was the one wanting a nice relaxing massage and I probably should have known better. I likely should have asked questions such as "do you plan on making inappropriate comments during this massage?" I definitely should have known better than to disclose the fact we are adopting. After all that is usually just an invitation to pry into my personal life and make rude comments about adoption, money, and "screwed up kids". The next time someone asks me if I have children I'm going to respond that I eat children for breakfast. Just to be different. Just to impart a little shock into their lives so that as their jaw drops open I can enjoy a few moments of glorious silence.

It's been a long few weeks. Are you wondering what is going on with our adoption? Well, so am I. I know nothing other than there is a problem. When our agency went bankrupt I was terrified. I felt helpless and heartbroken and exactly like I feel now. Except now, I have a photo of my little man. I have a photo of a beautiful baby that is so embedded on my heart. I know who my baby is and now I'm just hoping I can bring him home.

I haven't slept in weeks and as my stress was starting to get out of control I thought a massage would be nice. I was wrong. Very very wrong. Upon arriving and answering questions about my back I told the RMT that I had been seeing a chiropractor for the last 4 months that had helped immensely. She responded that chiropractors were quacks. Not all chiropractors mind you just everyone that wasn't hers. The thing is my chiropractor has helped me. Seeing as this is my body I should be able to ascertain if I'm feeling better. The next 20 minutes was a sales pitch and I stopped mentioning my chiropractor all together feeling slightly berated by her forceful opinion. Next up was the children question. I don't know why I answered. I guess I wanted to stop talking about her Chiro so it seemed like a break. This of course was a mistake. I just wanted to relax. I wanted to be pampered. I didn't want "it's expensive isn't it?" and "do you actually pay for the child?" "Are you worried he has Aids?" "Are you infertile?" The real kicker was "I bet even at 8 months old he's experiencing horrible things." Basically everything someone could say to me to make me want to scream or cry. Eventually she went back to the pitch about her chiropractor and things relaxed a little.

I left an hour later in tears. I may never leave my house again. Ok. Maybe that's an exaggeration. While it was upsetting, I really should know better. After all, people who adopt are open to the same scrutiny by the general public one would expect during an FBI interrogation right? I hear walking across coals is relaxing... Next time I'll try that.

image pinterest.com

Friday, October 7, 2011

Crazy For Cards








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I'm hoping to resume regular scheduled blogging at some point, but in the mean time I thought I'd share a bit of what I've been up to. I stumbled upon card making and it is the only thing to keep me remotely sane these days (key word remotely).

We are still waiting for a court date and soon it will be 4 months since our referral. If stress can kill you, our adoption agency may be trying to murder me. There have been many headaches during this process but the sheer agony of the last few months has somehow trumped them all. I feel one step away from becoming the mad hatter. Well, more like half a step. I feel very removed from everything. Rather as though time is walking by me and I remain where I am frozen in uncertainty and fear.

The last couple of weeks I've been making cards day and night. My mom suggested we have a card sale and as such we will be hosting one November on the Island. We will be selling them for $4 each or 6 for $20. I have to admit I'm pretty excited. It's been really nice to find a creative outlet and one removed from writing. I've needed a break from this and while I'm feeling much more inspired these days and have a few blogs in the back of my mind for next week, this has been a welcome creative change!

I hope all is well with you and please know I have missed it here.

J xx

Monday, September 19, 2011

We Pray Together


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We have been very fortunate these past few years to be part of an amazing and supportive adoption community. When Imagine Adoption went bankrupt out of necessity we all bonded together and struggled for a resolution. After it was rescued we continued to bond together over our mutual understanding, friendship, and love.

Last week one of our wonderful fellow adoptive families was torn apart tragically. A beautiful new mother who had been with her son for only 4 months died very suddenly. In times like this when our community is mourning together I realize how thankful I am for all of you.

I am grateful that we celebrate, laugh, cry, and grieve together. I love that in times like this I don't have to explain why this has torn out my heart, a lovely woman I never met, just simply that it has. I am so thankful for all of you and so thankful that through this process I have met so many amazing people all over Canada. I may not have hugged, or touched most of you but all you have made a profound impact on my life just the same.

I am so heartbroken for this family, and their beautiful one year old son. I am sending all my love, strength and prayers to her husband and son and all of those who loved her. I am sending prayers to our beautiful community and hoping all of you know how thankful I am that we laugh, cry, morn, and pray together.



All My Love, J xx





Images from http://www.impressionsareeverything.com/cat58_1.htm

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm a womanizer, toxic, slave 4 U


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Years ago when Miss Spears first appeared on the music scene baring her midriff in a catholic school girl uniform designed by Hugh Hefner, I had a serious case of the sads. She pouted a lot and sang innocently about some guy hitting her one more time and was instantly famous. She's made millions by capitalizing on being both wholesome and a sex kitten, and I can't help but wish I'd gotten a tan, grabbed a kilt, and thought of it all first. In the 90's while I was hitting the clubs in mini skirts and halter tops I seriously overlooked the whole school girl fetish and in doing so lost my chance at fame and fortune and a permanent tan.

Still, Britney holds a special place in my envious heart. There is something so vacuous about her songs that makes her my ultimate guilty pleasure. My dirty little secret is that I love her dirty little melodies. As an ex-dancer one of my favourite things is to go to youtube and learn her routines. The woman is a phenomenal mover and shaker, and I like to think we are rehearsing together, you know, cause we're bff's and all. Being a little delusional is important to my overall ability to function in this world.

Yesterday Britney and I spent a couple hours together and I remembered a few things I had recently forgotten. One being, finding the fun is a good thing. Doug commented that all her songs are about making out with strangers, and if you can believe it he thought this was a "bad thing". I'm not saying we should all make out with each other (unless you're into that sort of thing), but I remember being an irresponsible and *possibly* intoxicated teen and everything was rather free spirited. Ok shallow is probably a better word, but what's wrong with shallow now and then? I don't want to go back there (I now have a 10 o'clock bed time and I'm pretty sure I can no longer pull off a mini skirt) but I sometimes wonder if there is a part of that unbridled enthusiasm and energy I should tap into more. I know 90 year olds who get out more than I do and it's recently occurred to me that's sort of sad. As Van Wilder famously said "You shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."

As we wait for a court date our lives seems to once again be caught up in bureaucracy. I've been rather down and have forgotten to enjoy myself, my friends, and silliness. If all I have is today I don't want to spend it simply worrying about tomorrow. I'm not suggesting we develop peter pan syndrome, but it also may be a little premature to hand in our dancing shoes.

As I struggle with being on the other side of the world from my little man while Ethiopia is in the middle of a serious drought I worry. I worry a lot. I try to do what I can, but I feel helpless and useless 99% of the time. The other 1% I'm asleep. I can't even describe how much my heart hurts thinking of him spending more time in an orphanage especially under these circumstances. But as Van Wilder also said "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." All it's doing is making me crazier than I already am, so I need to get my butt out of the rocking chair and out on the dance floor (aka. my living room). Maybe I should invest in a top hat as well?

J xx

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I Dreamt I Was Pregnant....


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Sunday night I had a dream I was pregnant. Not the first pregnancy dream I've had and maybe not the last but this one was different. I didn't have a swollen belly instead I had in my hands a positive pregnancy test. I ran all over Vancouver looking for Doug to tell him we were going to have a baby. I knew for certain it was going to happen. I had no doubts, or fears, our moment had arrived and I was confident. When I awoke I wasn't sad as I often am after a night of "being pregnant". I wasn't longing for that belly, or to feel them inside me, I was just excited. I felt certain something amazing was about to happen. I read pregnancy dreams represent being "pregnant with anticipation". Now normally I would say bull****. They usually seem pretty straight forward to me. Infertile woman longs to be a mother, it's been 7 years and I've had a lot of these. This one was so different though. They didn't feel inside me they simply felt a part of me. A part of everything. I did feel pregnant with the promise of something amazing. I felt incredible.

Monday I started to get a bit jumpy when the phone rang. I was very asthmatic so running to the phone was a bit of a challenge but I was definitely in the zone. In the back of my mind I thought today could be the day and when a telemarketer phoned I may have hung up on them twice without saying a word. I do however promise to teach my child better manners... Most of the time. When Doug arrived home that night and I told him today was not the day in a very dramatic exhausted tone that Greta Garbo would be proud of he informed me he already knew that. He explained that our worker would likely be busy catching up on paperwork today but that tomorrow we would get the call. Just like that. He was so matter of fact I believed him.

Now no one knows when the call is going to come and to be honest Doug had become pretty jaded by the process so for him to be so certain I figured he must know what he was talking about. I knew he was trying to amuse me but I was still willing to bank on it.

Tuesday morning I received several calls from a private caller. Now for those of you who have phoned me you know I NEVER answer the phone. Not because I'm doing something better with my time (well, sometimes I am) but mainly because I am extremely antisocial. I have to pre-plan phone calls. That actually sounds sort of sad when I type it out. I guess I should take "exceptional social skills" off my resume. I have phone issues but especially with private numbers! I avoid those at all costs. By the third phone call though I thought what if this is the call? What if here my worker is trying to phone me and I'm being a big weirdo refusing to answer? Destiny is calling me and I'm too busy watching a friends re-run to answer? Sort of pathetic even for the socially challenged.

I finally answered the phone and indeed it was our social worker!! She asked me how New York was? She asked me how long we had been back? I honestly wasn't sure if this was The Call or if she was just making sure our vacation went well. Either way it's nice to be thought of I suppose. After a minute she said "I'm phoning with good news". My heart stopped. I swear I couldn't breathe and with tears in my eyes I whispered "Oh my god." She told me she was looking at a beautiful tiny little baby boy that was ours. I can't even tell you what I felt. My heart felt so huge and I wasn't even sure the moment was real. She e-mailed me his file and there was this tiny, beautiful, little man who was so clearly ours. I looked at his sweet face and all I could think was, of course it's you. We've waited so long for you to arrive.

For years (4 to be exact) I've planned how I would tell Doug. It involved set design, a video camera, props. This was a highly thought out operation. When the time came though I abandoned all and phoned my husband. I thought I was all calm, cool, and collected, but when I heard him say hello I completely dissolved into tears. The poor guy thought one of our cats had died. True Story. He thought a cat had died.

When his wife tearfully exclaimed "We have a son! We have a son!" There was silence. "Are you serious?" I know I'm a bit crazy at times but I certainly wouldn't crank call the man about this! When he finally realized the cats were alive and he had a son he sighed. A big beautiful sigh.

Next on the list was my Mom. She answered the phone and I asked her to sit down. Much like my husband she thought something bad had happened. Granted it's only been 6 months since our best friend died so it is understandable everyone is a bit jumpy. I told her it was a boy and she said "Are you kidding me? Is this a joke?" Apparently my sense of humor could use some work since the two people who know me best think this would be my idea of funny. Duly noted you two. Duly noted. Finally she understood and all I could hear was crying and screaming which of course set me off for more crying and screaming. I love him so much. He is just so precious I can't wait to share him with all of you once we pass court. We are love struck.

Next I wanted to phone Tim. I wanted to phone Tim so badly and it took me a few deep breaths to accept that wouldn't happen. I felt him though. I could see his smile looking at me as I sat there laughing and crying gazing at our son. I phoned Rachelle next and her happiness made me feel like the four of us were in this moment together. It was wonderful. A truly beautiful moment and I thank her sincerely for that.

I spent the rest of the day phoning friends and family and then got bored and wanted to phone Doug's friends and family. He was understandably a bit picky about that. I did a lot of pacing and eating chocolate.

When he walked through the door we both just ran to each other. This little man is more than we ever could have dreamed. Sweeter than the sweetest dream. We are so thankful.

I want to take this time to thank everyone who has been part of our journey with us. We could not have done this without you. When our agency went bankrupt the outrage, love, support, that so many people provided us was inspiring and continues to inspire us.

Then when Tim died in December I wasn't sure how this moment would feel without him. We are still grieving. We are still recovering, but the out pour of love and excitement we have received in the last 24 hours has been extraordinary. I would like to send a special thanks out to Tim's mom and sister as well for their heartfelt joy which made Tim feel like he was right there next to us. The moment was made so much more sweeter rather than bittersweet with their support.

A special thanks to all our friends and family and the e-mails and phone calls have been amazing. I was up at 4 am just looking at our son and falling more and more in love thinking how truly blessed we are.

Finally, while I can not share his photo I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our family Ozington Theodore Rodenburgh-Roberts!!! He was born March 2nd, 2011 and is the brightest light I have ever seen.

Words can not express how fortunate and appreciative we are but I hope you know we share this day with all of you. You are all part of our son's story and Oz will surely know just how many people helped bring him home.

Much Love, Jessa xxxxxx
Image from http://www.etsy.com/shop/MaraMay?ref=pr_shop_more

The above garland I ordered for our "coming home party" and I am so excited to have it in my hot little hands!!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Do It Anyways



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There is a poem that was originally written by Dr.Kent M. Keith that Mother Theresa rewrote called 'Do It Anyways'. This poem is near and dear to my heart and it is something I have continuously leaned on.

Her words have given me guidance, the most poignant point being the importance of my relationship with God. When I quiet my mind and read this I am struck that I already know what is right and good. My moral compass is not lacking even when I am. I need to continue to try and do my best, and know I am able with God's love. Whatever is thrown my direction I need to carry on with kindness but that doesn't mean I need to take on negativity. Doing my best and being compassionate also applies to myself and if I am in a situation where someone is rejecting that it really is not my burden to carry. I simply need to follow the path that I feel leads me to light. Making sure I am working hard and nurturing as best I can. My faults and my virtues are between me and God. God is my refuge, my light, and my inspiration. Tomorrow I will wake up and do my best and I will remember "In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."


People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.



Image from http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_a3o7USF8hwA/SsXuVRP1jGI/AAAAAAAABd4/ir5Nzng49ZA/s1600-h/fairy+path.jpg

Monday, May 30, 2011

Pretty things amoung my pity party














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I'm going to try and at least do one blog post a week just to keep me inspired. I've been looking for my inspiration lately so this is probably a good place to start! I'm working again which means I'm a bit more tired but relieved to get out of the house. I'm also trying to find my way still. I guess all in all I feel pretty lost these days.

The last few weeks have been a bit rough as change is rarely easy, at least for me. I'm like an 80 year old dog who doesn't want to learn new tricks and is just happy with a good bed and enough fiber in his diet. Stagnant one might say, but I think of it as consistent. Still, I'm not quite 80 so I should probably embrace change just a teeny tiny bit more.

The thing about work though is the reality that keeps slapping me in the face. 4 years ago when I started at this job we were beginning our adoption from Liberia and we were very optimistic. Now we sit here four years later and 31 months of our dossier being in Ethiopia and it seems there is still no end in sight. I'm truthfully losing hope. I'm not excited when the phone rings, in fact I rarely even get up to see who's calling. Pregnancy announcements gut me even more than they used to and all in all I feel despondent.

My biggest refuge of late has been a fantastic website called Pinterest that a very creative friend linked me to. The above are my favourite pictures from there that make me smile and breathe a little easier.

I just wish there was a way to know that one day we will be parents and the unfortunate truth of the matter is there is no guarantee that will happen. Hope can be a double edged sword some days.

J xx

http://www.flickr.com/photos/decorology/3551627451/in/photostream/

http://bleubirdvintage.typepad.com/

http://french-knot.tumblr.com/post/546134844/via-nnokka-createfindadmire

http://www.countryhome.com/gardening/plants-plans/english-roses_1.html

http://secrets.rainadawnevents.com/2011/03/inspired-bymason-jars.html
www.flowerzone.com

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I almost didn't go...


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I almost didn't go, but then I remembered I am Canadian. I am a part of this country and I need to be educated and listen in order to make the best decision for myself and my family. I need to be active and aware within my community and within this country. I am a voice that wants to be heard.

Yesterday I got an automated phone call from Michael Ignatieff that he would be in Vancouver giving a talk that night. Doug came home from work a bit sleepy and sad and I almost stayed home with him despite his protests. Finally my sense kicked in and I went to hear a man I have long admired speak. I even managed to have the good fortune to arrive at a pivotal time and get to shake his hand twice as well as meet his lovely wife Zsuzsanna. I came home glowing and staring at my beautiful sweaty hand declaring that last night was the best night ever. I am that big of a political nerd.

I'm not trying to sway voters with my blog, please know that is not my intention in sharing this. I am a Liberal and admit that I have huge respect for Ignatieff as a leader and an intellectual, and while he does not speak to all my beliefs he speaks to many. I do implore people though to educate themselves no matter what position you are leaning towards. Read, listen, research what the opposing leaders are saying. I learn a lot merely by listening to the opposition not only to reaffirm why I do not want a Harper government, but I learn things about the Liberals that I disagree with and will continue to speak out about and keep my eye on. I don't want to be blind and I will never assume there is a government that speaks to all my needs. I need to know what is going on in my country and within my party.

However you choose to vote please also remember that voting is just one piece of the puzzle. We are responsible for how this country is run. Voting is a powerful way to make your voice count but it is only one day. Election day like a wedding day is an agreement but it is each day after that your relationship grows. We need to be active, we need to engage, and we need to continue to do so in order to me make sure the politicians are working for us. They are elected by the people to work for the people. We are their employers and we need to remember that when we feel helpless or dissatisfied with their decisions. We can not be passive spectators and allow our country to become unrecognizable to us. Many countries do not have the rights and freedoms we enjoy in Canada and it is important to not only protect those rights but to to make them count through education. awareness, and action.

When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.
Anais Nin

Canadians, please be part of your country. I'm not sure what the future holds but I do know we all need to be part of it. On May 2nd, please vote. In the days that follow please make sure the Government of Canada continues to speak for you, and if they don't, please remember we have the power to change it.

Jessa

Monday, April 11, 2011

Forgiveness

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See below for the latest news regarding the arrest of the former directors for Imagine Adoption.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/ontario/fraud-charges-for-directors-of-adoption-agency-that-went-bankrupt-in-2009/article1976478/

To Sue and Rick Hayhow,

You stole thousands from us. Thousands of dollars, thousands of moments, thousands of tears. However impossible it may seem I forgive you. The idea of harboring any feelings for you at all is not something that interests me and so I am now left with indifference. An indifference that allows me to breathe each day. An indifference that frees me to smile and laugh, and know you have not stolen the best parts of me.

I am thankful for your arrest because I believe justice needs a voice and my forgiveness is not justice, it is merely my own life force needing release from your wrong doings.

I'm not sure you will ever realize all you have stolen, even from yourselves. When our best friend died in December I realized your selfishness still robs us. Our child would have met his Godfather had you not stolen these years from us. Yet in the hardest moments to forgive, I forgive you. I will not allow you to steal my today or my future. I will not allow my time to be spent despising someone who likely despises themselves already. It seems impossible to me that you are happy, any one who valued themselves would never willing create such hardship for themselves and others.

The things I wrestle with the most are not my own losses. They are the families who did not carry on. The families who could not afford to carry on financially or emotionally. The families who will never have the children they so desperately wanted. I pray for them each night.

The children who lost their families, I wonder about our own child. The child meant to be ours. Where did they end up? Are they ok? Do they have a forever family now? I pray for all the children. Your corruption cost them everything. Do you know that? Do you say a prayer for them as well each night? I hope you do.

I pray for your family and friends. Your children what do they feel? Betrayed? Humiliated? Will they ever trust again? Do they wrestle with guilt thinking you did this all for them? Have you left them with a legacy of lies? How do you face them now? Maybe you don't.

Lastly I pray for you. I could wish you ill will and further humiliation but I value my own life too much to carry that with me. I don't know how you live with what you have done. I don't know how you carry a million tears, a thousand broken hearts, and the disrespect of many. I don't think it will be easy but maybe that is part of justice. The day you realize what you have done and have to live with all those shattered dreams.

I pray you learn. I pray you learn, and you grow, I pray a better person emerges. The world needs good people in it, there is enough greed and selfishness living here. I still believe in goodness and I hope while you are on this earth you find some inside yourself and make a positive difference in this world. The world deserves better than your previous actions, please change.

I could wait for your apology to forgive you but I fear it will never come and I will not let my own anguish and anger continue to grow and destroy my goodness, to burn down my inner sanctuary. The place I find freedom from my sorrow. The place I have slowly rebuilt many times. The place I find my love and strength, you can not enter here and so I forgive you. I release you from my heart.

One day my child will know this part of our story and when they are old enough to understand I hope they learn that forgiveness does not mean everything is ok. Forgiveness means not letting someone or something hurt you more than they already have. Forgiveness is an act of self love. Forgiveness is the gift of freedom. Forgiveness still allows for remembrance and tears, but it also allows our hearts to heal.

sincerely, Jessalyn

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Vintage Boutique Shelf

This picture doesn't do the crappy paint and markings justice but it was in rough shape!
And After!!


One of my favourite books full of fun Audrey Hepburn facts!



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I found this sweet little shelf at the Salvation Army for $20! Needless to say I was smitten. It was a cream colour and badly marked but with some sanding and a spot of white paint it was like new!

My husband keeps reminding me to do what makes me happy and this indeed made me happy. It's in the corner of our bedroom and as silly as it sounds every time I look at it I smile.

We have meditation again tonight and last week we enjoyed it immensely. It scared us and was uncomfortable but I think that was the point really. I've meditated every night since for a couple minutes and I think those couple of minutes each night is doing a little something to ground me.

Thank you again to all the comments and support. I am always amazed and always grateful to all of you.


A smile is the beginning of peace.
- Mother Teresa

Jxx

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I Read A Book







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I finally finished a whole book. I used to read a book in a day but since December my concentration has been slow. My intellectual decline would have alarmed me I suppose had I not been so wrapped in grief. I'm not saying I'm usually a genius (or am I?) but I've been sufficiently slow at most things lately. In fact Doug also finished his first book last week and it was like a noble peace prize celebration in our house. We were pretty smug about our accomplishment. I was especially pleased since my book was of a higher literary challenge than Nancy Drew. I also bought "Girls in Pearls" one of my new favourite books. A historical look at pearls and pictures that are visually stunning. It begins with Botticelli and ends with Audrey Hepburn and Marily Monroe. What more could a girl ask for in a book?

I must confess my whole "take care of me" plan has had a few rocky moments. I was off to a good start but then the adoption world went skewed and that heavily affected my already off center coping. However, I read a book, went swimming, and even started baking again!! These are all major accomplishments. Plus I have surrounded myself with pink flowers. In colour therapy pink is good for self love and emotional comfort. I think those are imperative at the moment.

Doug and I are even going to meditation tonight at our church which I think will be amazing for us!! I've rather despised this past week for a few reasons the largest being that Doug has to go through this new adoption hell without his best friend. Nothing hurts me as much as that. I am struggling without Tim through this and I can't even imagine how Doug must feel. I realize it's now been three months since Tim died but to be honest it's taken three months for the shock to wear off. For those of you who have lost people suddenly and tragically I know you will understand that perfectly.

I've done yoga the past few days which I am also pretty smug about. My mom was here last week and we even organized our laundry room! That made my whole week to be honest. Is that sad? I just love organization...

My prayers are with Japan constantly. I am once again reminded how lucky we are and also the importance of preparation. Our emergency kits have been overhauled which has been good. I can't begin to imagine the grief and horror they have survived. I think they can use all of our prayers. This is an amazing organization we have donated to so I thought I would post here for anyone interested. They have already raised close to a million dollars which is amazing! http://www.globalgiving.org/projects/japan-earthquake-tsunami-relief/

One thing I hope to always remember is how lucky I am. I may not have everything I want in life but each day I am so grateful. I am so fortunate and that makes everything else in our life a little more manageable. I'm not immune to pain and I will continue to feel and hurt but I am also humbled by the support I receive from all of you and most days I still wake up with a smile on my face.

lots of love and a deep heartfelt thanks to each and everyone of you who reads my blog and sends your thoughts. I am very very lucky indeed.

Jessa xx

photo's from

http://www.bakati.net/s~q-flowers%20pink.aspx
http://www.meditationquotes.com/meditationquotes/meditation_quotes.htm
Canadian Memorial Church
Hill Crest Pool