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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Dear God, Can We Talk?


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The other day I learned our adoption might be in jeopardy. I am horrified and to further compound the horror was the realization that even if we make it through this next hurdle the country is slowing adoptions down to a near halt. I'm broken and tired. I'm freaking exhausted from this pain. The 4 years of pain and the 3 years before of infertility pain.

They say hell is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I feel like that is what my life has become but I am watching systems, and governments, and bureaucrats dooming us everyday. Making things harder for reasons that seem simple enough but there is so much more beyond them doing this "for the children". That is what makes it so hard for me to accept.

I had a breakdown the other night. One of the sobbing hysterical kind that leaves you on the kitchen floor looking up as if at God and screaming "WHY????" The kind that leave you rattled because even you can not believe the depth of your anguish. The kind that leave you feeling like your chest has been torn open and there is nothing left to shield your heart and soul. Not even your flesh and bones. The kind that leave you feeling terrified that the next wave of sorrow is on its way and it too will consume you. The kind that leave you begging for relief. Begging for exhaustion. Begging to never feel this way again.

I want Tim back. I want our baby. I want the two people who should be in our life here with us now. I want the world to fix what is broken. I want to understand why people believe this is God's plan? Doesn't he or she care? And if not about me what about the millions of orphans in the world who may never have families? What about the people suffering in war torn countries? Refugees living in fenced in camps? Children being raped? If everything happens for a reason and this is all God's plan what kind of a God is that?

My sobbing subsided as I slumped over the garbage can I had just emptied. Everything became very still. My breathing slowed and became deeper. As I looked up one last time and asked "Why?" I heard a soft quiet voice that said "I'm sad too". Simple and perfect I felt closer to God then I have in months. We have free will and the world does not unfold as it should. There is pain and heartache and senseless tragedy and as for God, they are right there beside us holding our hands as we cry, and they are sad too. I don't have to understand all I have to do is get through each day knowing God is trying their best to ease this for us, but they are joined in our sorrow and maybe they don't understand either.


Please sign this petition in support of Ethiopian adoptions. Please help save this program.

http://www.gopetition.com/petition/43714.html

11 comments:

  1. You are not alone here either. I know this pain. I know this unknown. I know... and if nothing else - you have someone who can walk with you through it.

    Miracles happen - I am witness to it. I believe.

    Laura
    lcmorrison@shaw.ca

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  2. Thank you so much for that Laura. That honestly is so lovely to read. x

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  3. OH my heart breaks for you. I know you just have to trust that everything will work out for you. It is so hard to understand God's plan. I have one child and was never able to conceive again. That has been seriously heartbreaking for me...it's like yes you can only have one..a tease!But I have to look at the positives even when through 10yrs of trying watching others have more children. We tried the adoption route and it was a loss for us.
    God bless you...
    Pamela xo

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  4. HI Jessa,
    Sending you some love across the country
    This last week has pretty much left me with out words to even explain to anyone ,
    So grateful for our group and knowing that I do not need words to try and explain to any of you.
    I am still holding on hoping for the miracles we all need,
    Big hugs and courage
    Shannon

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  5. Just thinking about you!!! I feel your pain..

    Maria

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  6. Words cannot express how sad we are to hear of yet another painful sabotage to your adoption. Our thoughts and prayers enfold you, comfort and hold you close in our hearts.
    Margie

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  7. heartbreaking. I do believe in miracles. Don't give up.

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  8. I am thinking of you friend, and my heart is breaking for you...

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  9. Jessa, I keep coming back here not knowing what to say other than how sorry I am that you are going through this. Sending you strength, hugs & hope that this is merely one more bump in the road.

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  10. Jessa, I first read this post of yours about a week ago, and I have been thinking about it off and on since then. So finally, I came back to write a brief comment.

    Your post, particularly the last paragraph, was very moving for me and I think you hit upon the answer to so many of life's questions. So many times, we ask the wrong questions...such as "if there was a God, why would he let this happen?" or "if God was real, why would he allow suffering?" These types of questions are so huge, and I think your experience of a voice expressing sadness alongside of you is the perfect answer to those kinds of questions. I don't know why your dear friend died; I don't know why you've had to go through infertility; I don't know why you don't have your baby yet. But I know what you know. That God is sad about the things that happen in this world that are not according to His perfect plan...and He grieves with you (and with me) when things are hard and impossible and non comprehensible.

    In my past week of lots of ups and downs, I have thought often about all of the 'why' questions and, pretty much every time, my thoughts have come back to your post...to your last paragraph. God being with me in the midst of the hard things of life is what gets me through. Thank you for the reminder, Jessa.

    Blessings,

    Ruth

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  11. Thank you so much everyone!! I am always so humbled by the love and support I find here.

    Ruth thank you for your comment. I really loved reading it, and am constantly praying for you on your journey. xx

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I love your comments & read each and every one of them!!!
Thanks you!!!