Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Dear God, Can We Talk?
The other day I learned our adoption might be in jeopardy. I am horrified and to further compound the horror was the realization that even if we make it through this next hurdle the country is slowing adoptions down to a near halt. I'm broken and tired. I'm freaking exhausted from this pain. The 4 years of pain and the 3 years before of infertility pain.
They say hell is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I feel like that is what my life has become but I am watching systems, and governments, and bureaucrats dooming us everyday. Making things harder for reasons that seem simple enough but there is so much more beyond them doing this "for the children". That is what makes it so hard for me to accept.
I had a breakdown the other night. One of the sobbing hysterical kind that leaves you on the kitchen floor looking up as if at God and screaming "WHY????" The kind that leave you rattled because even you can not believe the depth of your anguish. The kind that leave you feeling like your chest has been torn open and there is nothing left to shield your heart and soul. Not even your flesh and bones. The kind that leave you feeling terrified that the next wave of sorrow is on its way and it too will consume you. The kind that leave you begging for relief. Begging for exhaustion. Begging to never feel this way again.
I want Tim back. I want our baby. I want the two people who should be in our life here with us now. I want the world to fix what is broken. I want to understand why people believe this is God's plan? Doesn't he or she care? And if not about me what about the millions of orphans in the world who may never have families? What about the people suffering in war torn countries? Refugees living in fenced in camps? Children being raped? If everything happens for a reason and this is all God's plan what kind of a God is that?
My sobbing subsided as I slumped over the garbage can I had just emptied. Everything became very still. My breathing slowed and became deeper. As I looked up one last time and asked "Why?" I heard a soft quiet voice that said "I'm sad too". Simple and perfect I felt closer to God then I have in months. We have free will and the world does not unfold as it should. There is pain and heartache and senseless tragedy and as for God, they are right there beside us holding our hands as we cry, and they are sad too. I don't have to understand all I have to do is get through each day knowing God is trying their best to ease this for us, but they are joined in our sorrow and maybe they don't understand either.
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