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Monday, April 11, 2011

Forgiveness

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See below for the latest news regarding the arrest of the former directors for Imagine Adoption.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/ontario/fraud-charges-for-directors-of-adoption-agency-that-went-bankrupt-in-2009/article1976478/

To Sue and Rick Hayhow,

You stole thousands from us. Thousands of dollars, thousands of moments, thousands of tears. However impossible it may seem I forgive you. The idea of harboring any feelings for you at all is not something that interests me and so I am now left with indifference. An indifference that allows me to breathe each day. An indifference that frees me to smile and laugh, and know you have not stolen the best parts of me.

I am thankful for your arrest because I believe justice needs a voice and my forgiveness is not justice, it is merely my own life force needing release from your wrong doings.

I'm not sure you will ever realize all you have stolen, even from yourselves. When our best friend died in December I realized your selfishness still robs us. Our child would have met his Godfather had you not stolen these years from us. Yet in the hardest moments to forgive, I forgive you. I will not allow you to steal my today or my future. I will not allow my time to be spent despising someone who likely despises themselves already. It seems impossible to me that you are happy, any one who valued themselves would never willing create such hardship for themselves and others.

The things I wrestle with the most are not my own losses. They are the families who did not carry on. The families who could not afford to carry on financially or emotionally. The families who will never have the children they so desperately wanted. I pray for them each night.

The children who lost their families, I wonder about our own child. The child meant to be ours. Where did they end up? Are they ok? Do they have a forever family now? I pray for all the children. Your corruption cost them everything. Do you know that? Do you say a prayer for them as well each night? I hope you do.

I pray for your family and friends. Your children what do they feel? Betrayed? Humiliated? Will they ever trust again? Do they wrestle with guilt thinking you did this all for them? Have you left them with a legacy of lies? How do you face them now? Maybe you don't.

Lastly I pray for you. I could wish you ill will and further humiliation but I value my own life too much to carry that with me. I don't know how you live with what you have done. I don't know how you carry a million tears, a thousand broken hearts, and the disrespect of many. I don't think it will be easy but maybe that is part of justice. The day you realize what you have done and have to live with all those shattered dreams.

I pray you learn. I pray you learn, and you grow, I pray a better person emerges. The world needs good people in it, there is enough greed and selfishness living here. I still believe in goodness and I hope while you are on this earth you find some inside yourself and make a positive difference in this world. The world deserves better than your previous actions, please change.

I could wait for your apology to forgive you but I fear it will never come and I will not let my own anguish and anger continue to grow and destroy my goodness, to burn down my inner sanctuary. The place I find freedom from my sorrow. The place I have slowly rebuilt many times. The place I find my love and strength, you can not enter here and so I forgive you. I release you from my heart.

One day my child will know this part of our story and when they are old enough to understand I hope they learn that forgiveness does not mean everything is ok. Forgiveness means not letting someone or something hurt you more than they already have. Forgiveness is an act of self love. Forgiveness is the gift of freedom. Forgiveness still allows for remembrance and tears, but it also allows our hearts to heal.

sincerely, Jessalyn

4 comments:

  1. Thank you, Jessalyn.

    What a beautiful heart you have to forgive like this. What a gift you are. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Cammy

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  2. Oh that is so nice Jessa and so true!! Hugs..
    Marie

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  3. Beautifully written, Jessa. You are a much better person than I am. I have not forgiven yet. I am still not able to let go of my pain and anger. Maybe I will get there one day, but I haven't yet. I am glad you have, though.

    I hope you have heard from MoT by nw about where your dossier is. Email me and let me know the latest!

    Claire

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  4. So beautiful Jessa. I hope writing this has helped you heal from this horrific experience.

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