Friday, December 30, 2011

2011, The Bright Spots

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As this year comes to a close I feel it important to reflect on my favourite things and moments. This year has been the most challenging of my life. Going on without Tim and an adoption that has proved to be even more painful than I ever would have imagined has not been easy. However in the middle of some of my darkest moments I have been so blessed to encounter some beautiful ones.

Obviously Oz has been a blessing. As time goes on he is still a magical blessing and while Christmas was painful without him I am looking forward to the day we are finally all together. I searched high and low for a baby's first Christmas ornament and apparently this year not a lot of companies made them. The one above I got from Wedgewood China and I am very pleased with it. Buying a new ornament each year is a family tradition and while he is not yet home it was important for me to do that.

I also discovered Yogalosophy this year and love it!!! Mandy's workout is my favourite and throwing the yoga mat down and doing Yoga with her in the morning is a highlight of my day. I've been negligent but I'm determined to get back to doing it every other day again. It's a very uplifting energizing workout, and she does it on the beach which makes it very peaceful and sunny.

One of my favourite things this year has been my friends. I have been horrific at making plans with people but amazingly people have continued to make an effort to see me and I am so thankful for them. I have amazing friends for someone who is a major loner. I also am proud of myself for being able to support the people in my life who needed it this year including myself. My scope of people has been limited but I was determined to finish this year feeling I'd done a good job with those I love most and who are struggling with a painful year of firsts. I think I've done well with that, I think Tim would be proud of me, and I'm proud of me.

I have really worked at setting boundaries as well as making sure I have me time to empty my mind. Usually that is a bath at night. I'm in and out fast because I am not great at sitting still. I have really tried to make bath time more like spa time. I light candles, I use bubble bath, I lie back and breathe. I find having that at the end of each day has been invaluable.

Speaking of candles Anthropoligie is now in Vancouver!! One of my faovurite things from that store is the angel food cake candle. It smells just like the cake and is divine.

I've talked on here before about my love of baking and this year my in laws bought us a pink kitchen aid mixer!!!! It is amazing!!! I have been doing all my baking by hands for years so to have something this kick ass is awesome! Cookies are made in 5 minutes. Cakes take 10. I love it!!

One thing I've let go has been my wardrobe. I know this likely sounds very superficial but I've always been fairly well dressed and while I have gorgeous dresses in excess my casual wear has been non-existent. Doug and I went clothing shopping boxing week and that was wonderful. I love Ralph Lauren for simple and classic clothing, but more importantly I love Winners for selling it to me cheap.

Finally my last two favourite things. One was during our trip to New York. We rented rowboats in Cantral Park (the picture above is me in the boat) and I felt so at peace and content. It was the perfect date activity.

Finally is a gift from a very special girlfriend of mine. Haley wrote a song for me about our adoption. Not only do I absolutely love it, the idea anyone would write a song about me is amazing. It's beautiful much like the singer and songwriter behind it.

So this New years I will raise my glass to surviving 2011, and to 2012 being full of love and light.

J xx

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Love and Tears

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Oh Tim, has it really been almost a year since the world last saw your smile? Since we all felt warm and safe because tragedies like this belonged to someone else, and we were the ones praying for those who hurt? Tell me please, that time has not marched on and any second you may still walk through our door. We are so desperate to see you once again.

I would never have imagined grief could be so stagnant. A year almost upon us and I can hardly believe my calendar. I can hardly believe these moments have all come and gone, seasons changed and we are still here without you. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and we can recreate the world, this time we will have a different ending. We need a different ending. We need you.

3 months after you died, our little boy was born. The most bitter sweet of moments and more then anything I wish you both were home. I hope I told you enough how much your support always meant to us and that these last few years we could not have done it without you. Your unending love and compassion filled our world and I hope you know even in these darkened times it still does. Your memory surrounds us like golden threads and your ever reaching wings still hold us close.

We miss you every moment of the day, this still seems so unreal. Rachelle has been so amazing and I don't know how she does it, but her and Maddy are our lights. I am thankful for the family the 4 of us created together over the years, it brings such comfort now in times we never would have imagined. Your mom and sister are so much of you, it is such a gift for all of us. The strength and grace of all the women in your life is astounding. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. We have been blessed by them all.

I don't want to go to bed tonight, and I don't really want to face tomorrow. This is an anniversary that should never be, a moment that none of us should face. Grief is so complex and I never wanted to know her so intimately. To know each crevice of shock, denial, anger, despair, and how they all spin round and round, and each moment something new arises. Grief is not a process of steps, there is no a to b, it is a hurricane. A relentless mass of chaos and in it you are left searching for the center, just to crouch down and hide your eyes, hoping for a moment of peace before you are thrown up once again and tossed around. We pray for peace each day. We pray for peace for all of us. We pray for you.

I hope you visit time from time and see us in the moments where we share a joke you would enjoy, or a memory that makes us laugh until we ache. I hope you see in all our pain the legacy of love and laughter that you have left us. You are the guiding star that makes the night still sparkle. You are our light, our love, our laughter. You are the hope we still cling tight to. The hope we will see you once again.

Love, love, endless love, wherever you may be I hope our love still finds you.

We love you always, J xx