Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Love and Tears
Oh Tim, has it really been almost a year since the world last saw your smile? Since we all felt warm and safe because tragedies like this belonged to someone else, and we were the ones praying for those who hurt? Tell me please, that time has not marched on and any second you may still walk through our door. We are so desperate to see you once again.
I would never have imagined grief could be so stagnant. A year almost upon us and I can hardly believe my calendar. I can hardly believe these moments have all come and gone, seasons changed and we are still here without you. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and we can recreate the world, this time we will have a different ending. We need a different ending. We need you.
3 months after you died, our little boy was born. The most bitter sweet of moments and more then anything I wish you both were home. I hope I told you enough how much your support always meant to us and that these last few years we could not have done it without you. Your unending love and compassion filled our world and I hope you know even in these darkened times it still does. Your memory surrounds us like golden threads and your ever reaching wings still hold us close.
We miss you every moment of the day, this still seems so unreal. Rachelle has been so amazing and I don't know how she does it, but her and Maddy are our lights. I am thankful for the family the 4 of us created together over the years, it brings such comfort now in times we never would have imagined. Your mom and sister are so much of you, it is such a gift for all of us. The strength and grace of all the women in your life is astounding. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. We have been blessed by them all.
I don't want to go to bed tonight, and I don't really want to face tomorrow. This is an anniversary that should never be, a moment that none of us should face. Grief is so complex and I never wanted to know her so intimately. To know each crevice of shock, denial, anger, despair, and how they all spin round and round, and each moment something new arises. Grief is not a process of steps, there is no a to b, it is a hurricane. A relentless mass of chaos and in it you are left searching for the center, just to crouch down and hide your eyes, hoping for a moment of peace before you are thrown up once again and tossed around. We pray for peace each day. We pray for peace for all of us. We pray for you.
I hope you visit time from time and see us in the moments where we share a joke you would enjoy, or a memory that makes us laugh until we ache. I hope you see in all our pain the legacy of love and laughter that you have left us. You are the guiding star that makes the night still sparkle. You are our light, our love, our laughter. You are the hope we still cling tight to. The hope we will see you once again.
Love, love, endless love, wherever you may be I hope our love still finds you.
We love you always, J xx