This picture doesn't do the crappy paint and markings justice but it was in rough shape!
One of my favourite books full of fun Audrey Hepburn facts!
I found this sweet little shelf at the Salvation Army for $20! Needless to say I was smitten. It was a cream colour and badly marked but with some sanding and a spot of white paint it was like new!
My husband keeps reminding me to do what makes me happy and this indeed made me happy. It's in the corner of our bedroom and as silly as it sounds every time I look at it I smile.
We have meditation again tonight and last week we enjoyed it immensely. It scared us and was uncomfortable but I think that was the point really. I've meditated every night since for a couple minutes and I think those couple of minutes each night is doing a little something to ground me.
Thank you again to all the comments and support. I am always amazed and always grateful to all of you.
A smile is the beginning of peace.
- Mother Teresa
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I finally finished a whole book. I used to read a book in a day but since December my concentration has been slow. My intellectual decline would have alarmed me I suppose had I not been so wrapped in grief. I'm not saying I'm usually a genius (or am I?) but I've been sufficiently slow at most things lately. In fact Doug also finished his first book last week and it was like a noble peace prize celebration in our house. We were pretty smug about our accomplishment. I was especially pleased since my book was of a higher literary challenge than Nancy Drew. I also bought "Girls in Pearls" one of my new favourite books. A historical look at pearls and pictures that are visually stunning. It begins with Botticelli and ends with Audrey Hepburn and Marily Monroe. What more could a girl ask for in a book?
I must confess my whole "take care of me" plan has had a few rocky moments. I was off to a good start but then the adoption world went skewed and that heavily affected my already off center coping. However, I read a book, went swimming, and even started baking again!! These are all major accomplishments. Plus I have surrounded myself with pink flowers. In colour therapy pink is good for self love and emotional comfort. I think those are imperative at the moment.
Doug and I are even going to meditation tonight at our church which I think will be amazing for us!! I've rather despised this past week for a few reasons the largest being that Doug has to go through this new adoption hell without his best friend. Nothing hurts me as much as that. I am struggling without Tim through this and I can't even imagine how Doug must feel. I realize it's now been three months since Tim died but to be honest it's taken three months for the shock to wear off. For those of you who have lost people suddenly and tragically I know you will understand that perfectly.
I've done yoga the past few days which I am also pretty smug about. My mom was here last week and we even organized our laundry room! That made my whole week to be honest. Is that sad? I just love organization...
My prayers are with Japan constantly. I am once again reminded how lucky we are and also the importance of preparation. Our emergency kits have been overhauled which has been good. I can't begin to imagine the grief and horror they have survived. I think they can use all of our prayers. This is an amazing organization we have donated to so I thought I would post here for anyone interested. They have already raised close to a million dollars which is amazing! http://www.globalgiving.org/projects/japan-earthquake-tsunami-relief/
One thing I hope to always remember is how lucky I am. I may not have everything I want in life but each day I am so grateful. I am so fortunate and that makes everything else in our life a little more manageable. I'm not immune to pain and I will continue to feel and hurt but I am also humbled by the support I receive from all of you and most days I still wake up with a smile on my face.
lots of love and a deep heartfelt thanks to each and everyone of you who reads my blog and sends your thoughts. I am very very lucky indeed.
Canadian Memorial Church
Hill Crest Pool
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The other day I learned our adoption might be in jeopardy. I am horrified and to further compound the horror was the realization that even if we make it through this next hurdle the country is slowing adoptions down to a near halt. I'm broken and tired. I'm freaking exhausted from this pain. The 4 years of pain and the 3 years before of infertility pain.
They say hell is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I feel like that is what my life has become but I am watching systems, and governments, and bureaucrats dooming us everyday. Making things harder for reasons that seem simple enough but there is so much more beyond them doing this "for the children". That is what makes it so hard for me to accept.
I had a breakdown the other night. One of the sobbing hysterical kind that leaves you on the kitchen floor looking up as if at God and screaming "WHY????" The kind that leave you rattled because even you can not believe the depth of your anguish. The kind that leave you feeling like your chest has been torn open and there is nothing left to shield your heart and soul. Not even your flesh and bones. The kind that leave you feeling terrified that the next wave of sorrow is on its way and it too will consume you. The kind that leave you begging for relief. Begging for exhaustion. Begging to never feel this way again.
I want Tim back. I want our baby. I want the two people who should be in our life here with us now. I want the world to fix what is broken. I want to understand why people believe this is God's plan? Doesn't he or she care? And if not about me what about the millions of orphans in the world who may never have families? What about the people suffering in war torn countries? Refugees living in fenced in camps? Children being raped? If everything happens for a reason and this is all God's plan what kind of a God is that?
My sobbing subsided as I slumped over the garbage can I had just emptied. Everything became very still. My breathing slowed and became deeper. As I looked up one last time and asked "Why?" I heard a soft quiet voice that said "I'm sad too". Simple and perfect I felt closer to God then I have in months. We have free will and the world does not unfold as it should. There is pain and heartache and senseless tragedy and as for God, they are right there beside us holding our hands as we cry, and they are sad too. I don't have to understand all I have to do is get through each day knowing God is trying their best to ease this for us, but they are joined in our sorrow and maybe they don't understand either.
Please sign this petition in support of Ethiopian adoptions. Please help save this program.